Happy 21st Birthday

Dear Natalie,

Well, here it is, your 21st birthday. You are now a full fledged adult in the eyes of the law anyways. You however have been living your life as a full fledged adult for the last 10 months. This year is so surreal. We don't get to see each other and celebrate you in person because of the Coronavirus. You don't get to do everything you had hoped you would do today. But we will make the best out of it anyways and do everything we can to make this day special for you. And hey, when this is all over you get a whole other day of celebrating you. So that's something to look forward to.

You and I have been struggling the last few years as we figure out our relationship and where we go from here. This last year I feel like maybe we are making a turn. I don't know if you feel the same way. I just hope you remember that I will always be here for you no matter what. If you are struggling you can come to me and I will do everything in my power to help you out. No matter how old you get I will be here for you.

I hope this year brings you so much happiness and another step closer to figuring out your future. Just remember, what you always thought you wanted to do with your life just might lead you to a different path and that's okay. Now is the perfect time to explore all of your options. I know you will figure this all out, just remember you are not alone. So many people care about you and are willing to help you figure all of this out. Whatever you decide in the end, know that I am proud of you.

Happy 21st birthday Nat. I love you.

Love always,

Mommy

Happy 20th Birthday Natalie

Dear Natalie,

Well, it's finally here, the day you have been waiting for, to be able to officially say you are not a teenager. Funny how you always hated growing older and now you are trying to rush all this growing up all at once. Don't be in such a big hurry to be an "adult". If you think you are stressing now about how to pay for things, just wait until you do have all of those housing responsibilities and you don't know how you're going to pay for food. There's no need to rush this. It will all happen in time and hopefully when you're more financially ready to take it on, and then you'll be wishing you could go back to when things were simpler and you didn't have all these bills to worry about.

We always want what's best for you and want to keep you from having to struggle as much as we can. It's not that we don't want you to grow up, it's that we don't want you to jump into things you are not ready for yet.

Do not ever settle. You deserve to have the best of everything and the best from everyone. Someone who can accept you for who you are and all of you just as you come.

I will always be with you. I am the whisper in the leaves as you walk down the street, the smell of your favorite foods, the scent of life itself. I was your first love, your first friend, and even your first enemy. Nothing on this earth can separate us though. Not time, not space, and not even death.

I hope 20 is everything you thought it would be and all of your dreams come true. Happy birthday!

Love,
Mommy

Happy 19th Birthday Natalie

Dear Natalie,

This is a rough year for us, and probably the hardest birthday letter I have had to write to you to date. And probably not for the reasons you think. I love you so much and I hate the wedge that has come between us. Maybe it's all a part of growing up and spreading your wings. Probably mostly because I have a hard time letting go. I can't bear to see you hurt and yet it feels like I'm also the one that keeps causing you pain. Maybe someday you'll get where I'm coming from, I'm hoping sooner rather than later of course. I really just want you to be happy and a successful productive member of society. And as shocking as it may be I do know a thing or two. I know it's hard to step out of your comfort zone and just bite the bullet and go for it, but sometimes that's what you have to do to have all of those life experiences that you want.

We are so very much alike in so many ways, which is part of why we probably fight so very hard. The path that you are walking down is a very similar one to what I took. And while I would never change a thing about the choices I have made in life, I also don't want you to follow in my footsteps just because I wouldn't change anything about my life. You can have everything you want if you can find a nice even keel balance. And sometimes that might mean saying no to the person you want to disappoint the least right now. If he truly loves you, then he should understand and want to support you.

For the last 19 years now I have advocated for you to make sure that no one ever takes you for granted and that they will see what I know is inside of you. And guess what Kiddo, I'm not going to stop now just because you are an adult. Face it, you are stuck with me. No one will know you the way that I do. No one else knows the story of you the way that I do. And no one else will ever love you the way that I do. You are a piece of my heart walking outside of my body and I will fight fiercely to make sure that you are treated right. I do have room in my heart to open up to that special someone in your life, but you have got to give me a fair shake and not put us in uncomfortable positions where I feel like I, and therefore you (because you are a piece of my heart) are being disrespected.

While you are trying to figure out your place in life please don't lose yourself in the process. Remember the things that have always been important to you. It doesn't have to be one or the other, you can have it all. Sacrifices will have to be made, but never forget your values and where you come from. I was at this story from the very beginning, and I won't see it through to the end, but please let me be there with you until my end.

I love you. Happy 19th birthday Nat!

Love always,
Mommy

College Essay

Natalie had been working on her college essay to include with her applications for quite some time before applying to colleges this year. I was very touched by the subject she chose to write her essay about and well, everyone who read it that I'm aware of was very moved by it. I've been sitting on it for quite some time, but now that the applications are in, the colleges have all made their decision and she is in the final stages of getting into college I asked her if she minded if I shared her essay. She agreed to allow me to share it.

I do want to warn those who have experienced an infant or pregnancy loss, this might be difficult to read. Natalie was just 9 years old when I lost her sister Celeste, but it had a huge impact on her life, as it did all of ours. Many members of the family are deeply impacted by the loss of a pregnancy or infant when this happens. Here's how it affected Natalie.


How could a life so fragile leave such an impact in so short a time? Someone I never even got the chance to officially meet and get to know left me feeling broken and empty.

Christmas was right around the corner, and I was in a very joyous mood; nothing could ruin it. I had just walked through the front door, immediately feeling the warmth of home, when my parents instructed me to sit down. I sat on the floor in front of them; by their looks of sorrow and pain I could tell whatever they had to tell me wouldn’t be good. I sat there, calm and expectant; waiting for the news. Once they told me the awful news, I wished they hadn’t. The baby inside Mommy’s belly had died. The room got cloudy and the warm saltiness of my tears streamed down my face. I got up and ran to my room. I couldn’t let my parents see me cry. They were being strong for me, so I wanted to be strong for them. Besides, I needed to be alone with my thoughts, my sadness and my anger with God and the world.

I kept hearing my parents saying, “She didn’t make it. Your sister’s gone…” Those two sentences rang in my ears over and over. Why did this have to happen? Was God punishing me for something I did?

The next day, December 6, 2008, was the day of the biggest failure of my life. After spending all night and day hoping for a miracle, hoping the doctors had made a mistake in saying my baby sister wasn’t with us anymore, I was brought into my mother’s hospital room.

Lying next to her bed was Celeste Alia, not moving, all wrapped up in a pink blanket. She looked so small, so fragile, as if she were sleeping… as if she weren’t already flying high in heaven. I couldn’t stop looking at her. She was beautiful.

My mom must’ve noticed how focused I was on my sister. She asked, “Would you like to hold her?”

The choice I made will always haunt me. Speaking quietly, as if afraid to wake her, I declined.

When my little sister needed me the most, I said “No.” She was too small, too fragile. My whole body shook with fear of breaking her.

I repeatedly ask myself, “Why was I was so afraid of breaking her? Why didn’t I get over my fear and just hold her and be there for her?” I should’ve taken advantage of the little time I had with my sister because she soon wouldn’t be with us, physically. I will never be able to see her face, I will never be able to hold her and I will never be able to make my mistake up to her.

That failure has burdened me ever since I made that choice. Celeste needed me and I needed her. In her short time on this earth she left marks on so many people surrounding her. I have learned through her that you have to be there for your family. Despite the negativity surrounding that early–December day, I have gleaned some insight from that failure: There is never a time in your life when it’s okay to take advantage of family. They are the only people who will always be there for you, no matter the circumstance.

Since then, I have focused on bringing comfort and joy into the lives of people surrounding me. I want to be a “heavenly” and full-of-life person, someone for people to come to whenever they need a new outlook on life. I want to help people overcome their fears and be someone people find comfort in. In life we need to move beyond our fears and live for the now, because not everyone gets to enjoy life. Not everyone gets the chance to live.

Happy 18th Birthday

Dear Natalie,

What can I say to you that I haven't said? I can't believe you're 18. I look at you everyday and am simply amazed at the young woman you have become. And sometimes I swear it happened when I blinked. You are such a smart and beautiful young woman with a really great head on your shoulders. And I know this year hasn't been easy and you think I don't trust you to make the right choices, but I do. I just worry. And I'm your mom so that's allowed.

I am so proud of you. I admire how much you are loving being with the Kindergartners at school and helping out in that class. I love watching you with your brother and sisters, most of the time. You are a great big sister and a great role model to younger children. That in and of itself is plenty to be proud of, but along with all of that you have always maintained a family first attitude. I know that's why it has been so hard for you to choose the right college. I'm sure you'll do what's right for you though and whatever choice you make I will support you, I just want you to make a choice.

This has been a crazy whirlwind year in so many ways. So many changes for you, but it's all part of growing up. The best is yet to come and I hope you embrace the rest of the changes that are on the horizon for you. I love you. Happy birthday!

Love,
Mom

Happy 17th Birthday

Dear Natalie,

What can I say that I haven't already? Seventeen years ago you made me a mother. It's a day I will never forget. The day my heart swelled with love.

In some ways it's hard to believe that you're not a little baby anymore, but then I also am looking forward to what's to come for you. This is an important year ahead for you, but I know you know that. Here's what I hope for you this year.

I hope you will take the time to have fun with your friends. Create your own stories to one day share with your 17 year old daughter at Moe's over a bowl of Queso.

I hope you will follow your heart when it comes to choosing your college. You will know what's right for you. Trust in yourself and don't second guess yourself. It's going to be scary, no doubt about it, but you will know what the right choice is when the time comes.

I hope you will smile a lot. There's really no greater part of my day than seeing you smiling.

I hope you won't stress too much. But when you do get stressed I hope you will remember this too shall pass.

I hope you will always have the big heart you have, especially when it comes to your little brother and sisters. And yes, I said sisters, as much as Kaitlyn gets on your nerves I know you would have her back when it really mattered.

I hope you will come to know that you did not let Celeste down all those years ago. And you did not let me down either. So I hope you will stop beating yourself up over that.

And finally I hope you have fun. This is an exciting time in your life so embrace it and don't be afraid to try something new.

Your future is bright kiddo. Thanks for making me a mom. I miss you being that little baby all those years ago, but at the same time I'm loving watching you experience all of these exciting things.

Happy Birthday!

Love,
Mommy

Happy 15th Birthday Natalie

Dear Natalie,
Wow, 15 years!  Halfway to 30!  Have I reminded you of that fact enough today?  Don't worry, one day you'll get to do the same to your kids.  Just like Grandma did to me.

This has been a great year, don't you think?  You have really grown and come out of your shell.  You were so nervous about high school, but it turned out to be pretty amazing and I love seeing you try some new things.  Keep spreading your wings.  As much as you might want to stay little forever, I probably want it even more.  Shocking as that may be to you it's true.

The thing is you have to grow up and be on your own.  Don't worry, it won't be so bad.  You have a really good head on your shoulders so I do see good things for you.  But you have to be willing to get out there and try.  Don't worry so much about messing up.  It's going to happen and Daddy and I will be here for you always.

So go out into the world, have fun with your friends, and laugh a lot.  Make lots of memories, but do it while keeping your nose clean.

And in case you are wondering, I really enjoy our dates to Moe's this year.  It has been a lot of fun.  I know you would agree.  Happy 15th birthday to you my first born!  I love you very very much.

Love always,
Mommy

Letter To Natalie

Dear Natalie,
My first born.  We get all of our firsts together.  That's pretty special you know.  And you are going through a very exciting time in your life right now.  I'm loving watching you make decisions for your future.  The next four years are going to be ultra important as you know.  Everyone keeps telling you that.

But there's something I don't think anyone has told you yet, not even me.  The next four years are important for us and our relationship.  We only have this short time together and we need to make it good and memorable.  Now don't get me wrong, I will still be telling you what to do.  You will not be getting away with anything.  But I will try my hardest to remember that time is fleeting and we have to make the most of it and have fun.

I need your help though.  I need you to come to me when you think I'm getting too distracted with everything else and you need me the most.  Sometimes other things can get in the way, but if you need time with just me let me know, we will schedule it.  Please be patient though.

I also want you to do something else.  I want you to stop being so afraid to try something new.  I want you to experience things.  I want you to go on dates with boys, to go to the park with your girlfriends, and to try new things.  This is the only time in your life you really get to throw caution to the wind.  Do it!  Don't look back and think; where did that time go?  You don't know if you like something until you try.  So get yourself out there and explore new things and have fun.  Don't worry so much about what other people do and think.  They aren't important.  You are!

That's the best advice I can give you at this time my beautiful girl.  You are already a huge success in my eyes.  Keep up the hard work.  The skies the limit for you.  I love you.  Thanks for giving me the gift of motherhood 14 years ago today.  Happy Birthday!

Love,
Mom

Christmas 2012

Okay see I told you I would do this.  Here was our Christmas.  It was a great time.  Christmas Eve was our Christmas with family which was lots of fun.  Christmas day we opened our gifts, had our breakfast, hung around until we went to see Parental Guidance with the kids.  Very funny movie.  It was a wonderful low key day just the way we like it.

Christmas Eve

Alyssa ready to open gifts

CJ's car carrier

Tools!

Alyssa still getting used to this whole gift thing.

Yes, a truck!

Back to the tools

All 4 kids

They are so goofy

Natalie had no idea that Kevin did this.

All those toys and these two like a box

The biggest kid of all

Me and mom

Margaret

Ride over

And here's Christmas day...

Santa came

Lots of great treasures

The stockings

Santa loved his cookies

Opening gifts

Hunger Games

A remote control car that goes in the water

Alyssa wants to open it now.

Earrings and a Webkinz

A puppy

Her very own legos

What do we have here?

Each piece she ripped off had to go in the garbage

It's a Handy Manny lunchbox

Kaitlyn what do you have there? An art set?

A CHAINSAW!

She got a new phone!

CJ insisted I take his picture with his gift from Kaitlyn

So that was Christmas.  All in all a great time.  Glad to have it over though.

Final Picture Catchup Of 2012

I still can't seem to keep this blog updated regularly.  Sorry about that.  But surely you love getting a blast of our events all at once.  So here's the final picture catch up of 2012.  Maybe my new years resolution for 2013 should be to keep up with this blog better.  But well I hate resolutions because I begin them all gung ho and then get disappointed when after a month I stop.  So I won't do that to you or myself. 

Here is what we have been up to since I last updated...

Creating masterpieces.

CJ's turkey

Natalie's spaghetti bridge

 Celebration of Families luncheon

CJ eating his lunch

So deep in thought

 Thanksgiving

Meeting Santa

CJ telling Santa he wants a chainsaw

Kaitlyn wants art stuff

Natalie wants a phone

Alyssa just wants to get away from Santa

All 4 with Santa

 Decorating our tree

Kaitlyn putting on the ornaments

Alyssa helping

Daddy helping Alyssa

Reach up high Kaitlyn

CJ decorating the tree

Natalie the goof ball

Why is she doing the low ones?

Joe decorating the tree

Alyssa decorating the tree

Hi Natalie

Hard at work

Our new ornament this year from NH

The best view of the Christmas tree

All done

He's so handsome

 December also brought a trip into NYC

Kaitlyn on the train

Alyssa on the train

CJ on the train

The ticket taker gave him a smiley face, he had to have his picture taken with it.

Who's smile is better?

Time Square

The ferris wheel in Toys R Us

Meeting Mario and Mickey

Don't they look thrilled?

The sights of the city

The tree at Rockefeller Center

We made it!

 And finally we have PJ day at the kids school

Kaitlyn and CJ on PJ day!

CJ went to school like this

Kaitlyn went to school like this

 I was going to put Christmas on here too, but this was getting rather long.  So look out for a 2nd post of Christmas Eve and Christmas day from us.  I promise I won't forget, I'm doing it right now.