Letter to my Angel Baby - A Decade Later

Dear Celeste Alia,

It has been one decade, that is 10 years, 120 months, 3,650 days, 87,600 hours, 5,256,000 minutes, or 315,360,000 seconds since we met and said goodbye to you. Not a single year, month, day, hour, minute, or second of that time have you not been a part of. While I never got to hear your voice, or see all of your firsts, or even been able to hug and kiss you all that time you are so very much a part of every fiber of my being and who I am today. You were the wake up call I needed to stop taking everything I had for granted. To really embrace and hold on with all of my might to that which is most precious to me. Thank you sweet angel baby for making me who I am today.

And don't get me wrong, I still wish with every part of me that you were here with us instead. That I could have heard your first words, seen you take your first steps, sent you off to five first days of school. Told you a million times to stop bickering with your brother and sisters. I would do anything to have you here with us instead, but I know this is the way it had to be.

It's hard to look back at December 6, 2008. We really barely even had an opportunity to know you were coming and then had to come to terms with the fact that we now had to say our goodbyes. I hope you know and feel all of our love all this time you have been in heaven. Even your little sister Alyssa in her oh so inquisitive way loves you. She asks about you often.

I hope you and all the other angels are getting along great in heaven. Please give all of our love to all of our family who we have had to say goodbye to. If you are so inclined we'd love it if you would stop in sometime again soon to let us know you're around.

Love you and miss you sweet Angel. Happy birthday and merry Christmas.

Love,
Mommy

My Dearest Celeste

I haven't written to you in a while, or really about you even. You would be 9 right about now. I'm not entirely sure what it is that made me want to write to you now. Of course today was your due date. While I do think of you daily, this is the day that you're definitely not far from my thoughts at all. Wonder what you would have been like, what you would have liked, what you would have disliked. Would you want to have participated in our girl day of manicures with your oldest sister and baby sister, or preferred to skip it like your older sister? Would you love to read and write, or work with your hands? What would your relationship be like with your siblings? I wonder how different things would have turned out if we hadn't lost you. I guess I've been doing a lot of reflection lately on things. What would have happened if we followed a different road or more to the point someone else had followed a different road. Perhaps that is why I felt the need to write to you now. All of those what could have beens.

We can't go back though, all we can do is go forward. While I will probably always wonder what could have been and who you could have been I will just have to go on. There was a reason I didn't get to be your mother here on earth, and someday in the hopefully very distant future we will meet again and perhaps some of my questions will be answered. I will continue to look for signs though that you are always with us, always in my heart, always on my mind, always watching over us. I miss you Angel Celeste Alia. I love you.

Love,
Mommy

Happy 4 Year Due Date-iversary Angel Celeste Alia

Today marks 4 years since I was due with Celeste.  It's also of course Natalie's 14th birthday so you get two blog posts from me on here today.  Come back oh around 11:17 p.m. tonight to read Natalie's letter (I always schedule them for the time when they were born).

Normally I would write a letter to Celeste like the rest of the kids, but I'm going to do something a little different this year.  Back in December on Monica's Mom Musings I introduced Celeste to the world, but I never officially did it here.  So I want to give you all an opportunity to meet her.

Now I'm hesitant about doing this here because when I shared Celeste's story I had an anonymous commenter come and question the validity of Celeste's existence.  Accused me of playing things up for drama.  I almost shared her picture then, but the time wasn't right.  I wasn't going to be doing it for the right reasons.  It was simply going to be to prove a point to some anonymous person and I didn't need her validation if she didn't even have the courage to give me her real name.  So I kept it to myself for the most part.

I am in a good place now with my grief.  Not a day goes by that I do not think of Celeste and obviously some days more than others.  But the experience has taught me a lot and it has given me some truly wonderful friends along the way and shown me who my true friends are.  I came out with her picture because I realized that not sharing her like I do the rest of my children wasn't doing anything for her or my family.  People forget.  I don't want Celeste to be forgotten because she is so much a part of me.  To know her is to know me.  And to know her you have to see that she is real. 

She might be gone, but she is not forgotten.  So without further ado please say hello to my angel baby Celeste Alia.  Born sleeping on December 6, 2008.  Due date April 22, 2009.

 

Don't forget to come back later for Natalie's birthday letter.

To My Angel, Celeste Alia

Rainbow (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Dear Celeste Alia,
Today could possibly be your 3rd birthday.  It is hard to believe that we have lived over 3 years without you here on earth with us.  While I never knew I wanted you until I didn't have you you were very much loved!

I wonder what your interests would be.  Would you love playing Barbies with your sisters and brother?  Or maybe you would be more of a tom boy and like trucks and guns like your brother.  I think the two of you would be magical together no matter what you would have loved.

I think of you every day.  Who would you look most like?  Would you love to cuddle or would you be more of a loaner.  Would you talk a lot or be quiet?  So many unanswered questions about who you would have been.

Instead you are our Angel in heaven.  Watching over us.  Someday we will meet again.  Someday all of my questions will be answered.  Someday I will get to hold you in my arms again and kiss you on the forehead.  Someday we will be together again.  Until then I will continue to dream about you my sweet angel.

Happy Due Date Day!  Mommy and Daddy love you!

Love,
Mommy

As usual there will be a letter for Natalie on here.  It doesn't go live until 11:17 p.m. when she was born.  So check back later tonight or tomorrow for my letter to her.

Remembering 3 years later

Dear Celeste,
No, Mommy did not forget. I could never forget the day I met your beautiful little face for the first time and had to say goodbye. December 6, 2008 will forever be etched in my soul.

I miss you my little Angel everyday. I cry less now when I think of you though. Don't mistake that as me not missing you because I do. I can't help but wonder when I see other 2 year old children what you would be like. I wonder which one of your siblings you would be looking most like these days. I wonder if you would be shy or outgoing. I wonder if you would be a daddy's girl or a mommy's girl.

I have come to terms with you not being with us, at least physically. So Celeste, I thank you for being our little Guardian Angel for the past three years. Thank you for giving us all a little perspective into how precious life is. Thank you for the time we did have even though it was so very short and only I got to feel your movements. Mommy and Daddy love you now and always. RIP sweet Angel Celeste Alia.

Love always,
Mommy

Gone, but still not forgotten

To my Angel Celeste Alia,
Today marks your 2 year due date. I have not forgotten you. Always in the back of my mind. Perhaps a little more so now with Alyssa here. When I catch her smiling at seemingly nothing I can't help but wonder if that's you come to play with your little sister. It's nice to think of you as her Guardian Angel. Please keep watching over us. I miss you always. Until we meet again someday. Mommy loves you!

Love,
Mommy






*Check back later (like 11:17 p.m.) for Natalie's letter for her birthday. I schedule that post for the time she was born.

Remembering Celeste

December 6, 2008 will forever be etched in my mind. The day we lost a baby girl. 12:35 a.m. on December 6 was a whirlwind of emotions. I don't think that I've ever been the same since. I've been watching the calendar as this day approached this year. Wondering how I feel. The ache never does go away, but it does get better. The girls both remember what today is too. I don't think any of us will ever forget Celeste. She has made her presents known over the past two years. Even though we are moving on and are expecting a new baby girl in just two months she is not a replacement for the one we lost by any means. We will always remember Celeste and will always light a candle for her. I am sad today, but that is to be expected I think. I am happy for the things I do have though. A family who loves me. A roof over our heads. Food in our bellies. And of course faith that I will see my angel Celeste Alia once again! We love you Celeste. You may be gone, but you are definitely not forgotten!

Haven't Forgotten

I have a post scheduled to post for Natalie's birthday the very minute she was born. So be sure to read that much later tonight or tomorrow morning. But for now this post is dedicated to my Angel Celeste Alia. I have not forgotten the baby girl who would have been so close to sharing a birthday with my first born. I have been thinking of her a lot these past few days. Probably has a lot to do with my friend having a baby girl on Monday. And of course knowing that she came into this world with the cord wrapped around her neck and not breathing for the first part of her life makes it even a little harder not to think of Celeste. Jazmyn is fine which I'm truly grateful for. But I can't help but wonder what could have been. Celeste and Jazmyn would have been about a year apart in age. Most likely would have grown up together. But for whatever reason it was not meant to be. Perhaps it was Celeste who came down to help baby Jazmyn breathe again. Watching over the little girl who would have been her buddy. It sure is nice to think of Celeste as Jazmyn's guardian angel. When I first held Jazmyn I was instantly brought back to holding Celeste. Her head so very small and round. The hospital hat slipping off every two seconds because it really was too big. I miss you Celeste Alia! Keep watching over us and baby Jazmyn. Keep us safe. We love you!

Laid to Rest

Nanny was laid to rest today. It was a nice sunny, but cold winter day. We were all standing out there shivering. Joe's niece read two beautiful poems. Each of the grandchildren and some of the older great grandchildren got up and talked about Nanny. Nanny will forever be remembered for her talks and her cooking. What a wonderful lady well known and loved by many. Even the funeral director knew who she was. There wasn't a dry eye in the bunch though. Rest in Peace Nanny. Say hi to Celeste for us. Until we meet again in heaven we love you and miss you.

Jessie Flaws Crowther: August 20, 1906 - December 21, 2009

Nanny 1906-2009

Another soul went on to heaven yesterday. Joe's grandmother passed away on December 21st. She was an amazing 103 years young. A wonderful woman. I remember when Joe first brought me to meet her at her house on Central Ave in Bridgeport, CT. She was in her early 90's then. I remember thinking wow she's very active for her age. She took care of the house she had lived in for sixty plus years of her life. She got out every week to get her hair done. What a great woman. So sweet.

Everyone called her Nanny. She lived a long life that wasn't always so good to her. Her husband died young leaving her with a child to raise on her own. And then her daughter died way too young. She lost a brother and a sister and then a granddaughter and great granddaughter before her.

She has an amazing story though. She was born in Scotland in 1906. She married an English man and had one child with him before he passed away when their daughter was just a baby. She took her daughter at a very young age from England over to the United States to give her a better life. When she came over she worked at Bridgeport Hospital for many years before finally retiring. She raised her daughter all on her own. Her daughter went on and had six children. Those six children went on to produce 24 great grandchildren for her and then there were even 3 great great grandchildren. So she has left a lot of people to remember her and carry her story on. And she has lots of souls to love her in heaven.

So Nanny, we know you are in good hands with your daughter Jean and granddaughter Joanne and great granddaughter Celeste. May they guide you and keep you safe. We love you and miss you.

Nanny with a 3 year old Natalie and a 4 month old Kaitlyn after Kaitlyn's baptism

Mixed Feelings

A very good friend of mine is pregnant. She is due April 26 which is 1 year and 4 days after I was due with Celeste. It hasn't bothered me much that she's pregnant. I've been okay with talking to her about things. I have been worried about her. I definitely don't want her to experience what I did a year ago. However, she is the first person since my loss who I have been very close to that's pregnant. Today she found out the sex of the baby. I found myself hoping for a boy for her even though I knew they both desperately wanted a girl. I just wasn't too sure how I'd handle an April baby girl that wasn't my own. Everyone else I've known who has had a baby so far has had a boy. She announced to me that it's a girl! So when my friend told me her exciting news I feel like I put on a fake smile and a fake congratulations. I'm sure I'll be fine once the baby is born. And like I said the last thing in the world I would want is for her to lose the baby. My gosh I think that would be even harder on me if she did lose the baby. I feel like a bad friend for giving her the fake smile and forced congrats. Totally my problem and something I need to deal with. I do hope I handle her arrival better though. You would think though a year has gone by I shouldn't be that effected by the birth of a baby. Then again, most pregnancies I'm not privy to every detail and good day and bad day. This is a friend who I see almost on a daily basis though and if I don't see her I talk to her. I hope she understands my reactions though and doesn't think I'm a bad friend.

Trying for Normal

Seems like the holiday time gets so jumbled. And for our family last Christmas and this Christmas haven't been entirely what I would consider normal. A year ago today we said goodbye to a baby we never got to know. We mourned losing a daughter. The children mourned losing a sister. This year we are in the process of moving out. So packing up. Not entirely the best time to be pulling out Christmas decorations and cluttering the house up.

However, today in trying to make the day a little more upbeat so we weren't feeling so sad with the memory of a year ago today we put up our Christmas tree. Of course that was after the girls went through their toys and decided what to keep and what should go and after I had spent the day going through old papers and discarding things we no longer needed and filing those that we do need.

After Joe got home from work we brought the tree up and started decorating. I started a big pot of sauce and cooked up some sausage to go in with it and we went to town. I think we had a good time. And we didn't forget to light a candle for our angel Celeste Alia.

CJ all decorated for Christmas

Natalie helping fix the branches on the tree

Kaitlyn helping fix the branches on the tree

Natalie helping CJ put an ornament on the tree

Daddy helping CJ put an ornament on the tree

Yay CJ!

Kaitlyn putting an ornament on the tree

Natalie putting an ornament on the tree

Bellies full, all cleaned up, and sitting in front of the tree

The best part, looking at the tree from the inside after it's all decorated

CJ in the tree

Natalie in the tree

Kaitlyn in the tree

I'm feeling like we made some nice memories for what I worried was going to be a very sad day for all of us. Rest in Peace my Angel Celeste Alia!

Week In Review: November 29 - December 5, 2009

Here is this weeks Week In Review for November 29 - December 5, 2009

Sunday: Got up and got the kids breakfast. Joe went to work. The kids and I just hung around at home. Fed them lunch and put CJ down for a nap. A relaxing Sunday afternoon. CJ got up from his nap. Joe came home from work. The kids watched the Tinkerbell movie while I got dinner ready. We ate. The kids finished watching their movie and I gave CJ a bath. When the girls were done watching their movie they took a shower. Got everyone ready for bed and sent them to bed. Joe and I watched some TV and then we went to bed.

Monday: Got up early to bring Joe to work. Had to wake the girls up. Got them ready and we left. Came home and the girls and CJ had breakfast. Finished getting ready for school and brought them to school. I went in with them and got a fundraiser out of the closet for someone who was supposed to come pick up a fundraiser. They were a no show which was a huge waste of time. Came home for a few before having to go back out for my WIC appointment. After that I stopped at the bank and then home for lunch and CJ's nap. Put CJ down for his nap and then made some phone calls. CJ got up from his nap and we went to pick the girls up from school. Came home and they did their homework and we went to pick Joe up from work. Then we went to look at an apartment, but the person didn't show up. So we came home and had dinner. Searched for other apartments and called about a few and decided to go out and see if we could find one that we set up to look at the next day. Found it and then went to Job Lots to look at Christmas lights. Then we came home and got the kids ready for bed. The girls weren't going to sleep though because they didn't have their night light. So Joe was trying to fix that problem when the breaker popped. So he had to go fix that and then reset the clocks and finish changing the light bulb. Finally they went to sleep and Joe and I watched TV. Then I took a shower and we went to bed.

Tuesday: Got up and got the kids ready for school. Joe went to work. He took the car. So I bundled everyone up and we walked to school. Came back home and unfroze mine and CJ's frozen hands. Then he spent the morning driving me nuts by getting into everything. I washed some dishes and cleaned up the counters a little. Fed CJ lunch and put him down for a nap. Then I went through the cabinet under the sink to clean it out. Before I knew it it was time to go pick the girls up from school. Joe called and said he'd get them on his way home from work. So I changed CJ and got a call from someone about an apartment. Arranged to go look later in the afternoon. The kids came home from school and started on homework. They were both in combative moods though and were fighting my help. I finally got Joe to help Kaitlyn with hers while I helped Natalie and got her to understand and then it was time to go. We looked at the apartment, but not the one that's actually for rent. We weren't over the moon about it or anything. On Monday we should be able to get in to see the actual apartment though to see how well it's maintained. We left there with the application and drove around before having to go look at another apartment. That one was not what it was advertised to be at all. It was a good size, but really not a 3 bedroom like it said. So we left with not much intentions of getting that one and feeling defeated. Came home and cooked dinner. CJ wouldn't eat so after fighting with him over that he went to bed early for the night. The girls stayed up a little while longer before going to bed and then once they were in bed Joe and I watched some TV. I did a couple loads of laundry too. Then we went to bed.

Wednesday: Got up and brought Joe to work. Came home and got the kids ready for school. I dropped the girls off at school and then went to run a quick errand and back to school for playgroup. Had a nice time at playgroup and then came home. CJ had lunch and then took a nap. I laid down for a little while too. Then it was time to go get the girls from school. Got CJ and we left. Picked up the girls and then went to get Joe from work. We did some shopping and then came home for the girls to start homework. Then we had to leave to look at another apartment. We loved this one. We filled out the application right then and there. We are hoping to get it. He's supposed to make a decision by the weekend. It is in much better condition than where we are now. And it's bigger. The bedrooms are much larger. There's lots of storage. Including storage in the basement which is locked storage so you don't have to worry about anyone taking your stuff. So we left there and came home discussing what we would like to do with that place if we get it and made dinner. Ate and played with the kids. They went to bed and Joe and I watched TV. Then we went to bed.

Thursday: Got up and got the kids ready for school. Joe went to work and I walked to school. Very shocked at the 60 degree weather in December. Got the girls to school and walked back home. Cleaned up the kitchen. Played with CJ. Fed him lunch. Put him down for a nap. Got a phone call from the owner of the apartment we had looked at yesterday. He was interested in moving forward with us. Very exciting. I got CJ up from his nap and went to pick the girls up from school. Walked back home and worked on homework. Joe got home from work and we talked about moving. I cooked dinner and we ate. Then I gave CJ a bath to get all the cheese out of his hair. Got him ready for bed. Sent the girls to get their pj's on. They watched Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and then went to bed. Joe and I watch Four Christmases together. I went and took a shower and then we went to bed.

Friday: Got up and got the kids ready for school. Out the door early to go pop popcorn. I went to talk to the principal about our moving and letting the kids stay at the school. We popped the popcorn and our friend's took CJ back to their house while I went down to the FRC to talk to someone. Then we went back to our friend's house so we could go out to lunch together. We had a nice lunch and said our goodbyes. Then Joe and I went to get gas, to the dollar store, and then to get some soda. Then home. I counted the popcorn money. Got change together for the Craft Night that night. Went to pick the girls up from school while Joe stayed home with a napping CJ. Then we came home and hung around until it was time to go to the Holiday Craft Night. Had a nice turn out. A good time. Cleaned up and Joe and I went to get something for us to eat. Came home and put CJ to bed. The girls stayed up working on the activity sheets from the craft night. Then they went to bed. Joe and I stayed up watching TV a little while longer and then went to bed.

Saturday: Got up early while Joe was getting ready to go to work. CJ got up and shortly after the girls too. Joe left for work. I hung around most of the morning. Fed the kids breakfast, but didn't really do too much. I washed dishes and bagged up all of the bottles and cans. Put CJ down for a nap. Joe came home from work. We had lunch. Got CJ up from his nap. Got him dressed and the girls dressed and I got dressed. Then we went and met the landlord of our new apartment and gave him a deposit and checked around to see if we needed anything else fixed. We can move in as soon as we get him the rest of the money. Then we went across the street to Once Upon a Child to do some shopping. I found Christmas outfits for all of the kids and a few other things they were in need of. Met some friends there. They didn't have as much luck as me. Then we went up to the Christmas Tree Shop. Got some ornaments there and Advent calendars for the kids. Then we went to Hometown Buffet with our friends for dinner and came home. Driving through the first real snow of the season. It was a bit scary. Got home and safe and cozy. Got the kids ready for bed. Sent them to bed and then Joe and I just hung around on the computer and watching TV. I took a shower and got ready for bed. Kept thinking about what I was doing One Year Ago Today.

Check out more Week In Review posts!

A Year Ago Today...

It has been a year since I was induced. I think I've come a long way in a year. There has been a lot going on lately, but Celeste has still been front and center on my mind. A very good friend of mine is pregnant and due just a year and four days after I was due with Celeste. I've been worried about her. Everything seems to be fine.

I'm still trying to figure out what exactly it is we are called to do. Another good friend of mine had announced her plans to adopt a child from the Middle East shortly after we lost Celeste. She is bringing her daughter home today! Finally reunited. I'm over the moon happy for her. I have been feeling this tug to adopt since she told us. Joe and I have looked into it off and on. I want to make sure it's just the right time and that we are doing it for all of the right reasons. Not because we are still mourning the daughter we lost. I'm sure if that's what we are supposed to do it will happen when it's right.

We will never forget our Angel Celeste Alia no matter what path we end up traveling though.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Today I am remembering my Angel Celeste Alia who was taken from us at 20 weeks gestation on December 6, 2008. It was a life we never really got to know, but a life we loved none the less. We grieved her loss and we still grieve today. So I am inviting you to join me and the millions of people across the globe who will be lighting a candle at 7 p.m. tonight (your time) in remembrance of the pregnancies and infants that were lost too soon.

Celeste's Due Date

My Dearest Celeste,
I have thought more and more about what could have been as your due date drew closer and closer. Today is the day. It's also your oldest sister's 10th birthday. Don't think I have forgotten about you though. I have felt you with me even more over the past few weeks. I want you to know I am not sad though. I miss you terribly, but I embrace the thought that someday we will be together. I do wish I could have had more time with you to actually mother you, but I suppose my time will come.

I have been thinking of ways that I could honor this day for you. And since it is also Earth Day I am going to plant a flower for you. One that I can watch grow as you would have.

I do hope that you have been happy and well cared for in heaven by your Me-ma and Pe-pa as well as your great grandparents. You have lots of wonderful Angels in your family to look after you. I love you my sweet Angel Celeste Alia. Rest In Peace!

Love,
Mommy

A Visit from Celeste

I've really been thinking about my Angel Celeste Alia lately. Probably because her due date would be in two weeks. I'm relieved I have Kaitlyn's birthday on Saturday and then Natalie's on Celeste's due date to at least keep me positive. I am afraid to say for a while now I haven't given too much thought to what could have been.

However, that changed on Tuesday. Joe and I were trying to fix the brand new vacuum cleaner which Natalie clogged up real good for us. We had the TV muted and CJ was napping and the girls were at school. We have a small windchime I had gotten for Celeste after we lost her back in December. It's hanging in our living room. I've never heard it make noise before. The windows haven't been opened so there's no wind or anything. Tuesday though we kept hearing this faint ting ting ting. Joe and I both looked up at the windchime not sure what we were hearing. Sure enough ever so slightly we could see the chimes on the windchime moving. This has never happened before. No one seemed to be walking around upstairs. There certainly wasn't a lot of noise coming from up there like there has been with no movement. So we didn't really know what to make of it. It kept happening for about an hour getting stronger and more frequent. I can't help but think it was Celeste reminding us she's still here.

It has become easier to talk about her now. I no longer break down in tears. There's been a lot of what would have beens for me now though. Like with this windchime moving and making noise the other day could that have been the day she would have been born? Very possible I guess. She only would have been two weeks early.

I've been noticing a lot of newborn babies lately too. It's easier to see them now at least, but still I can't help but wonder what Celeste would look like. Would she look more like Natalie or Kaitlyn? Would she have had a lot of hair? Would it have been dark like CJ's or very blond like Kaitlyn's? Someday I guess I'll know, but for now I'll have to take the noises from her windchime.

Grief

You always hear everyone grieves differently. I don't think I ever realized just how true that was until I experienced the loss of my pregnancy and baby girl just two weeks ago. I didn't think I was grieving right because when I found out that Celeste had died I wasn't exactly overcome with grief so to speak. I think it was more of shock at first though. It did seem to hit me that night though and the next day when I was at the hospital was difficult. Although, I think I was more worried about what was supposed to come next and what it was going to be like to deliver my little girl, but not hear her cry.

Then the labor pains started and they hurt so bad. But not in the way that labor pains hurt when you are full term and preparing to give birth to a baby you will get to hear cry. It hurt in my heart. I just wanted it all over with and it just seemed like it was never going to end. But then suddenly it was over and I was actually overcome with huge relief. And everyone kept asking me how I was. And with a smile on my face I'd say I'm okay. And I really believed that I was okay too. I continued on with life as usual. I had to for my kids, right? We planned for her cremation and a memorial service and not a tear shed. Then we picked up her ashes and it seemed to hit me. Okay, finally I'm grieving. It hurt again so much. We had her memorial service and again I was feeling relieved. It was over. We had a beautiful service and said our goodbyes to our little girl and life has moved on.

But has it really? It's just been over two weeks since I gave birth to our Angel Celeste. Christmas is coming upon us very quickly and I've been busy preparing for the day. But something is missing. I'm making all these plans when just over two weeks ago these plans included announcing to my family the arrival of a little girl in April. Instead two weeks ago I was announcing to my family that I was pregnant and lost the baby. This isn't how it was supposed to be.

So today as I was driving CJ to his Cranial Tech appointment I began crying. We were going by the hospital where I had Celeste and I felt this rush of anxiety and began crying. I was composed again once I reached his appointment. Then on the way home though I noticed the sign for the cemetery where Joe's parents are buried and where we are going to put Celeste's ashes once the warmer weather gets here. And again the grief struck me and I was crying.

I want to stop feeling like this. I want to stop seeing pregnant women and wanting to cry. I want to stop hearing people rejoice about a pregnancy and feel so much anger and jealousy that they get to have their baby. I want to feel my baby kick inside of me. I want the pain to stop, but I don't know how to make it go away. I don't know if it will ever go away. Am I always going to drive by a hospital and cemetery and feel overcome with grief? What about seeing a pregnant woman? Is that always going to make me jealous? Or does that go away and become replaced with jealousy of a baby who was the same age as mine? I just wish I could figure out a way to get past this. Maybe I just need more time. How do you heal a broken heart?

Light A Candle

Please light a candle, where ever you may be, on Dec 14, 7PM, in memory of our children who are with Jesus.

The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting®, held annually the second Sunday in December, this year December 14, unites family and friends around the globe as they light candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died at any age from any cause. As candles are lit at 7 p.m. local time, creating a virtual wave of light, hundreds of thousands of persons commemorate and honor the memories of children in a way that transcends all ethnic, cultural, religious, and political boundaries.


Now believed to be the largest mass candle lighting on the globe, the Worldwide Candle Lighting, a gift from TCF to the bereavement community, creates a virtual 24-hour wave of light as it moves from time zone to time zone. Hundreds of formal candle lighting events are held and thousands of informal candle lightings are conducted in homes as families gather in quiet remembrance of children who have died, but will never be forgotten.

I am lighting a candle for Celeste tomorrow night. Will you join me in honoring our children who have passed on?

Remembering Celeste Alia

Tonight we had Celeste's memorial service. It was beautiful. The Reverend Audrey Murdock of St. John's Episcopal church performed the service. She gave a beautiful Homily about how difficult it is to loose someone so young. How our faith is tested when someone this young passes without even a chance for her life to begin. Her words were so touching. She blessed Celeste's ashes.

We had a nice turn out of friends and family. Thank you all for coming to remember our beautiful Angel.

We received a wind chime in the mail today which I had ordered earlier in the week. I did not anticipate receiving it until Christmas Eve. I was so excited that it came when it did. In with the wind chime was a poem that was so beautiful and fitting. We brought that with us to put by her ashes in the church. Here's what it said:

WHISPERS FROM HEAVEN
When I left this world without you
I know it made you blue.
Your tears fell so freely,
I watched; I know this is true.

While you were weeping,
Days after I passed away-
While all was silent within me,
I saw you kneel to pray.

From this wonderful place called heaven
Where all my pain is gone,
I send a gentle breeze to whisper,
"My loved ones, please go on"

The peace that I have found here
Goes far beyond compare
No rain, no clouds, no suffering-
Just LOVE from everywhere.

You need not be troubled
Just stay close to GOD in prayer
Someday we'll be reunited
My love, HIS love surrounds you always,
EVERYWHERE!