"I Can't"

Over the past week or so I have begun to truly hate the phrase "I can't!" It is CJ's new favorite phrase and I actually think I hate it more than when he would say, "No!" all the time.

"CJ, put your toys away!"

"I can't!"

"CJ, go potty!"

"I can't!"

"CJ, sit down!"

"I can't!"

I have told him that can't is a bad word and I do not want to hear it anymore, but I swear he says it more. If you repeat any of these instructions to him he'll just keep saying, "I can't!" over and over again. We all know that he can do all of these things. It's not that he can't it's that he doesn't want to. It has been a major source of aggravation in our household lately. The only thing that has gotten him to even reluctantly attempt to do these things is to tell him that we can't do things for him like let him have whatever toy he wants to play with or watch whatever TV program he wants to watch. That's not even guaranteed to work. He has lost quite a few of his things over the past week over these very same battles.

Someone please take the words "I can't" out of my son's vocabulary!

Stages of Life

Every different age group in a child seems to have it's own challenges. Newborns never sleep when you want them to sleep and you are so sleep deprived and wonder how could anything be any worse than this. Then they become toddlers and are into EVERYTHING. They are defiant and love testing the waters, but they still want to please you. Then they start school and pick up on all sorts of other children's bad habits and you've got to deal with homework and whether or not they are succeeding in school. You've been through the ringer with these kids up until now. You've dealt with a lot. You can handle anything when it comes to them, right?

Well, then you have to start dealing with the preteens with changing hormones. They are moody, but at the same time still very much a child. They can throw a temper tantrum just as good as they did when they were 2. The mood swings I think are what gets me. I don't know how I'm going to handle the teen stage. I suppose the same way I've dealt up until now. With lots of talking to my friends who are dealing with the same things.

This is why they tell you parenting is the hardest thing you'll ever do. Just when you think you've seen the worst of it kids will throw a curve ball at you and have you shaking your head and pulling out your hair all over again.

My name is Monica, and I have survived newborns, toddlers, and school aged children. I am in the midst of preteen madness. I only hope that I still have hair on my head in 2 years when Natalie is officially a teenager; and I only hope I haven't been locked away in a mental home in 10 years when CJ is about to become a teenager.

The Business of Child Traumatizing

So I had this big long post written and even posted about my crazy mixed up family. It was a sorted Jerry Springer tale. But it didn't really capture what I was trying to say. So I've completely rethought and revamped the post.

According to some people's theories of traumatizing a child I apparently do this to my children on a daily basis. I just went through it now with CJ. Joe was getting ready for work and CJ wanted daddy to pick him up. I picked him up instead. Not what he wanted so he screamed and cried. Joe walked out the door and got in the car CJ screamed and cried. I came in the house and closed the door and put CJ down so I could use the bathroom CJ screamed and cried. Is this traumatizing? I don't think so. This is parenting. Can't live our moments around what our children want, when they want it, and how they want it. CJ's not the only child I traumatize either.

I traumatized the girls earlier this week when I told them to clean their room and they didn't want to. I traumatized them when they didn't want to go to school, but I made them anyways. I traumatized them when I wouldn't sign a permission slip that took away all of my rights. But I do this in the best interest of my children. They needed to clean their room because things were missing. They need to go to school because that's their job and to become productive people in society they need an education. I did not sign that permission slip as it was written because it was dangerous and not appropriately worded.

Most parents do this on a daily basis without thinking twice. I know I don't think twice about the temper tantrum that CJ threw yesterday when we came home after a party and daddy had to leave for work, but CJ didn't want him to. He was screaming at the top of his lungs for half an hour. He was very upset. I understood he was upset. I hugged him and kissed him and eventually put him down for a nap. He has probably forgotten all about that. Daddy came home from work. Daddy will always come back and he needs to learn that. We don't like that daddy leaves, but we will see him again. It's a valuable lesson.

So why would I be calling this child traumatizing then? It's an important lesson, right? Well, not according to my brother in law. Nope, his step daughter doesn't want to go with her father so she cries and they don't make her go. His step daughter's father is not just some complete stranger one night stand guy that they don't know either. This is his nephew who is the father of his step daughter. Now you see why I had this whole twisted tale written out. It's almost unbelievable that something like this could happen in real life, but I'm living it. My brother in law does not see that this is not right. That he cannot keep this five year old child away from her father just because she cries. Sometimes we as parents have to do things that just are not pretty. There is no good reason why she's saying she doesn't want to go. It's just boring for her. She doesn't come home with bruises. She doesn't come home with wild tales of inappropriate things. She doesn't come home a completely different child. She just does not want to go. Much like my daughters don't want to go to school, or my son doesn't want daddy to leave for work, or my daughters don't want to clean their room, or my son doesn't want to stop climbing on the furniture. He doesn't see that she's ruling the roost. Eventually everything she might not want to do in the moment will turn into a crying fit.

Are you in the business of child traumatizing like me? I'm a child traumatizer and proud of it. If traumatizing was defined the way my brother in law believes it to be defined that is.

They're like Two Cats

So having two girls three years apart in age makes life interesting I tell you. Okay, having children period makes life interesting, but more specifically I mean the little scuffles my girls get into.

Here is a common thing in my house:

Kaitlyn: Mommy, Natalie hit me.

Natalie: I did not.

Kaitlyn: Uh huh

Me: Natalie, tell the truth did you hit your sister?

Natalie: completely trying to twist herself into a knot I think Well, yes, but it wasn't hard?

Me: Natalie, you know there's no reason for putting your hands on your sister, but why did you do it?

Natalie: I uh oh ah eek well you see she ummm yeah ooooh Oh I don't know!

Usually it's for something small like Kaitlyn took something of hers. Very rarely is it because Kaitlyn hit her first. That does happen on occasion though.

So anyways, needless to say their bickering has me at my wits end. I've thought about throwing them in a room together like two cats who don't get along with a can of tuna fish and locking the door. Let them fight it out with each other, but that would probably have DCF at my door.

So the other day I was reading my friend Renee's blog. Her two oldest are the same age as my girls. Although hers are boy and girl instead of two girls. Well, apparently she's been having the same problem as me and has instituted this new rule. So I said to myself hey that's a pretty good idea, lets give this a try.

So that morning I told the girls okay, new rule. Anytime you two get into a fight that you can't resolve without hurting the other one and having to come run to me you will have to hug for five minutes.

Oh I wish I had gotten a picture of the looks on their faces when I said that. Natalie's jaw dropped and Kaitlyn's eyes got big. They looked at each other and then at me and were like what? Where'd you get that idea? Hahahahahaha, you can see the enthusiasm of this new rule, right?

It wasn't long though before I had to enforce the new rule. That very same night they were fighting over Natalie's lotion. There was some nasty talking and pushing going on so I said okay, now you two have to hug for five minutes.

Natalie: What? Noooooo!

Me: Yup, that's the rule, come on.

And with some hesitation from the both of them this is what we ended up with...



Awww, looks like they love each other. In actuality there was a lot of bumping and pushing during the hug and a few you're squeezing me too tights thrown in there, but all in all I'd say it went pretty well. I actually haven't had to use it in five days. Not too bad considering the fighting is usually a daily thing. I am sure as summer gets here and they are around each other more it will be put to use more often. I guess we'll see.

Oh and FYI kids sure will turn this stuff around on you. Joe and I had been bickering about something after this new rule was instituted and the girls wanted us to hug for 10 minutes. Not needed, since our disagreement was resolved about as quickly as it started. Nice try kids.

"Natalie Bit My Nose!"

A little drama in the house tonight. Here's how it played out. I just got up from a 4 hour nap because I'm terribly sick with what I do not know. Then I hear this...

Kaitlyn: "Screech, Daddy, Natalie bit me on the nose!"
Joe storms into the bedroom very angry.
Joe: "You bit your sister? Do you want me to bite you?"
Natalie: sobbing, "No!"
CJ's up now and I'm sitting on the couch wondering why everyone is not sleeping at 9 at night. So I get up to try to get to the bottom of this.
Me: "Why are you guys still up?"
No response.
Me: "I want to know why you are still up, answer me!"
Kaitlyn: "Natalie reads me a bedtime story every night."
Me: "Well, that's nice, but you two should be sleeping now. Natalie, why did you bite your sister?"
Natalie: "It wasn't hard!"
Me: "That's not the point, why did you do that?"
Joe comes back into the room and checks Kaitlyn's nose.
Joe: "There are no teeth marks."
Me: "That's beside the point, she should not be putting her teeth on anybody! So again why did you do that?"
Natalie: "She was calling me names!"
Me: "Kaitlyn, what names were you calling your sister?"
Kaitlyn: sobbing, "I wasn't calling her names?"
Me: "Then what happened?"
Kaitlyn: "I took Natalie's book and wouldn't give it back to her."
Natalie plops back down on the bed with major body language proving to me that what Kaitlyn was saying was the truth, but Joe didn't believe it.
Joe: "You can't call your sister names, you don't like being called names."
Me: "Wait a minute now, Natalie what names did Kaitlyn call you that made you bite her?"
Natalie: "I don't remember!"
Me: "Then seems to me that what your sister says has a ring of truth. You bit her because she took a book of yours."
Natalie: with major attitude, "No, why don't you ever believe me?"
Joe flipped out at the way she was talking to me and all heck broke loose. CJ was crying now loud. Joe was storming off saying he can't deal with this anymore.
Me: "Well, until I get the truth you are both grounded."
Natalie: "Nooooooo!"
Me: "Yes, I want the truth, you're just making this worse for yourself."
Natalie: "Okay, Kaitlyn took my book and put it under her pillow and said it was hers and she wasn't giving it back."
Me: "So you bit her for that?"
Natalie: "Yes!"
Me: "Well, don't you think you should say something to your sister?"
Natalie: "No!"
Me: "Really? I think you should!"
Natalie: bargaining "How long am I going to be grounded for?"
Me: "I'm not telling you that."
Natalie: "But how long?"
Me: "You can't say you're sorry just to get out of being grounded. Now don't you think you should say something."
Natalie: rolling her eyes and looking at Kaitlyn, "I'm sorry for biting you!"
Kaitlyn: "That's okay".
Ahhh, things have settled down.
Me: "There will be no Nintendo for you tomorrow."
Natalie gives me the death stare.
Joe: "It's either that or you can stay on your bed all day long when you get home from school tomorrow."
Me: "Ummmm, she doesn't get to choose here."
Joe: "Sure she does, either way she's not playing Nintendo tomorrow. No one is."
Me: "Ummm, Kaitlyn can play Nintendo. I don't think keeping a book should be in the same boat as biting someone."
Natalie: "That's not fair."
Me: "You should have thought about that before you bit her."

There was a little more back and forth and talking about how what she did was wrong and then we told them it was right to sleep. CJ was now wide awake too though so we had to settle him down. Not fun. And certainly not something I felt like dealing with the way I felt. Now the key is to make sure Joe remembers tomorrow Natalie is not to play the Wii.

Girls Grow Up too Fast

At dinner tonight with the girls we began discussing friends. You see we've been talking about moving out of state very seriously for the past few days. To the point where we are planning a trip to look at possible homes and jobs in another state.

Now much to my surprise when we first started discussing this Natalie was all over this. She was ready to move that second. Even when I pointed out that we would be too far away to visit her friends regularly and stuff. This is a shock because Natalie is usually my more sensitive child. If I get to the school to pick her up and she has to wait for me she's always panicking and wondering where I am. Now mind you this does not happen often and half of the time I'm usually in the school just not where the students are picked up.

Kaitlyn, my more go with the flow child, has been more anxious and upset at this thought. She doesn't want to leave her friends behind because she has so many. Now of course we've told her that she'll make new friends and stuff and have pointed out to her that we'll all be in the same boat with making new friends, but we will have each other. Now I'm sure she'll be just fine if we are able to do this and she'll fall in love with wherever we move to.

Now back to the point of this post. You see in our dinner discussion tonight Kaitlyn said something about Natalie not having a lot of friends. Now first I had to scold Kaitlyn for being so mean and then had to tell Natalie that it's not the amount of friends she has that matters, but how good those friends she has are. This also isn't the first time that Kaitlyn has brought up Natalie's limited amount of friends. So I figured we better discuss this more. Now things are starting to make sense. Natalie is looking at Kaitlyn who is friends with everyone in her class and remembering when that was the case for her too. So she's looking at this move as a new start for her I think.

But I've been thinking, I didn't worry about my popularity until I was in middle school. Natalie's only in 4th grade and she's already struggling with these sorts of things. And really I've seen it since 2nd grade beginning to happen. The girls in her grade are so caddy with each other. One minute they love you and the next they want nothing to do with you. And Natalie never used to be like that, but she's starting to do it too. For a while there she could do nothing but talk about this girl Kaylee. Now I know Kaylee. When I was the girl scout leader she was in my troop. She's one of those fair weather friends. She will be chummy with you when it suits her. But recently Natalie has been saying Kaylee isn't her friend anymore. She likes this boy that Natalie likes and he likes Kaylee so Natalie doesn't want anything to do with either of them. Now I have discussed this with Natalie. Used mine and Joe's relationship as an example even that she can still be friends with this boy and this girl if that's what she wants. She looks at me though like yeah right mom there's no way I can do that.

So just another example of her growing up way too fast. My advice and input is already not needed. She's not even a teenager yet. I suppose just the beginning of my having to let go. I worry though at how fast this all seems to be happening. There's so much more pressure on children these days and it's almost like they feel like they have to grow up faster. Natalie already doesn't want to get any older. She's not really looking forward to turning 10 this year. Perhaps that's my fault since I protested turning 30 so much just two months ago. But then again to an extent I go through this every year with her. I was excited to turn 10 and be in double digits. Then it was I can't wait to be 12 because I'd be a pre-teen. Then 13 I would be a teen. And 15 I could get my first job (not that I did, but just knowing I could was enough for me). Then 16 I could drive, 18 I was an "adult" and could buy cigarettes, and of course 21 I could drink and was officially an adult. Perhaps that's why I dreaded 30 so much. Once I got to 21 there was nothing else to look forward to. Well, except maybe retirement or becoming a Senior Citizen ;). I don't know though to me a ten year old shouldn't be worrying about her popularity, boys, and growing older. She's got enough to worry about without these things. Maybe a new start really would do us all some good. I wonder if little girls all over the US are so quick to grow up these days or if there is somewhere where a little girl gets to stay a little girl a little longer.