Welcoming our Little Princess

The Barnes Bunch would like to welcome the newest addition to their family. This adorable bundle of joy clearly has a mind of her own. The plan was for Queen Monica to go to the hospital today to be induced. However, after a severe snow and ice storm which plagued much of the country until Wednesday afternoon Queen Monica's water broke. Sitting on the couch after dinner she suddenly felt a gush. She got up to go to the bathroom and figured it was most definitely her water.

King Joe went into panic mode a little and began calling the doctor and the grandparents for someone to watch the kids. The doctor said pack a bag and come on in. The grandparents said they'd be right there. However, knowing how quickly Queen Monica goes they decided to meet the grandparents at the hospital. So they got everyone out of the house and down the slippery sidewalk to the ice covered car. They were soon on their way to the hospital.

They arrived about 7:30 and Queen Monica was checked. Confirmed that her water did break and she was 4 centimeters dilated. So off to a delivery room they went. Contractions were coming pretty hard every 2-3 minutes. Grandma and Grandpa showed up to the hospital shortly after 8 and took the 3 older ones back to their house. Just seemed easier that way.

Queen Monica was really wanting to labor without any drugs however she never experienced back labor before. Plus, this labor was a little longer than she had ever been through. So she had some Nuban around 9:30. Didn't take the pain away really just helped her to rest between contractions. After getting up to go to the bathroom though things got rather uncomfortable again. It wasn't too much longer before she was pushing. They were still trying to break down her bed while she was pushing through the pain. And at 11:00 p.m. on February 2nd Princess Alyssa Margaret arrived in this world. Right on mom's belly as it should be. She was not crying, but she was assured that everything was fine. She was looking around though. They brought her to the warming table and assessed her while Queen Monica was assessed. Alyssa, who the doctor feared could be Queen Monica's largest baby was her smallest at 7 pounds 9 ounces and just 19 inches long. She's a champion breastfeeder. And the old wives tale of lots of heartburn during pregnancy is true as she's got a thick head of very dark brown hair. Queen Monica believes she looks like her big brother. King Joe is unsure still.

Alyssa chose her name. After going through all of the names that were thrown around for her she responded most to Alyssa so that's how she got her name. She is perfect. There was a glucose reading in the beginning which was low, but after giving her some formula through a small tube attached at the breast it went up and has stayed up. Only had to have that little bit of formula in the beginning. Queen Monica and King Joe couldn't be more excited to have her here finally.

So welcome Alyssa Margaret to the Barnes Bunch!

Just had my last NST

So today was my last appointment before my induction on Thursday. Everything still looks good. Still contracting, still have plenty of fluid, and baby is perfect. So all is going along without a hitch thus far.

My doctor came into the room and notices my contractions and says I'm not going to check you today because I don't want to know. Ha! She said if I want her to she will, but honestly I don't think I want to know either.

So the plan for Thursday remains the same. We will go in for 7 a.m. They will start me on my antibiotics. Apparently it will take 4 hours for that to be administered though. Once that first bag is in they will start the 2nd and break my water. Hopefully that will be enough and things will go as quickly as they did when I had the girls. The way I figure it the earliest we could have a baby is 2 p.m. on Thursday. Hoping I don't need any other help to get things going. My doctor said we could do a little pitocin with the antibiotics, but honestly I worry that things would go too quickly and I definitely wouldn't get enough of the antibiotics in before I have the baby. Least time spent in the special care nursery the better.

It's hard to believe this is all coming to an end. In some ways it feels like I just found out I was pregnant and in others this has just dragged on.

It's a matter of trust

When we went through a rough time in the beginning with CJ and his failure to thrive I quickly began losing trust in our pediatrician. He had been our children's doctor for 4 years since we had moved here. I never experienced him with a newborn. I also hadn't done a whole lot of research. I didn't know anyone in the area to ask their opinions and there were only two doctors in town that accepted our insurance. The other one I called couldn't get us in for months and I needed immunizations for Kaitlyn (who was 18 months old). I didn't want to get her off track with that so because this other doctor could get us in pretty quickly I figured that was good enough. And I really did like him with the girls. I didn't start questioning his ability until CJ came along. Oddly enough at that time there were also some issues going on in the practice. It seems that the two doctors were splitting the partnership and things were going downhill in the office. By the time CJ was 3 months I was having serious doubts, but also didn't know who I could go to. I was asking around for a good doctor, but wasn't having much luck finding one who accepted our insurance. We were in the process of getting CJ into Birth to Three and the therapist had recommended a doctor to us. I immediately called her and immediately loved her. As a matter of fact I'll never forget this, but on Natalie's birthday in 2008 I spoke to the doctor over the phone about all of my concerns with CJ and she pretty much diagnosed him over the phone. Two weeks later we were in her office for the first time for his 6 month check up and sure enough what she suspected in talking to me was what she believe he had, acid reflux. Finally a feeling of relief. She took on all three children too. We found the perfect pediatrician. I completely trust her with my children's health. She has been there through CJ's helmet, rashes, numerous illnesses, and physicals. I know we found the right doctor. Wish we had found her sooner.

I discovered early on for myself that I had the wrong OBGYN when we first moved here. Again, not knowing anyone in the area or the area that well I went with the one OBGYN in town that accepted our insurance. I immediately did not like him. He had a very thick accent so was very hard to understand and he made me very uncomfortable. You don't need that in an OBGYN. It took some time, but I did find a new doctor for myself maybe a year or so later. It was a woman which made me more comfortable too. When I became pregnant with CJ I knew that she would be great. I also ended up finding out that a friend of mine is a friend of hers. What a small world. She has always been very open with me about things and never pressured me into doing things until I had time to think about it. When CJ was presenting breech we discussed options. She was actually pregnant at the same time and told me she didn't even know what she would do in my situation. I was the perfect candidate for a version, but should something go wrong we could be in an emergency situation. After doing research and discussing things with my doctor I did opt for a c-section which she was fine with. Now some might call it an elective c-section, but to me there really was no other choice. Doctors are moving away from delivering breech babies. Hospitals are moving away from it. For me to do it I would have had to find a different doctor and hospital. That wasn't a possibility at 36 weeks pregnant. Most doctors aren't going to take on a new patient. Especially with my blood pressure complications and gestational diabetes. I trusted my doctor to take good care of me and she did. We made the right choice. Had we done the version CJ would have been born early as he had the cord wrapped around his neck tight, twice. It would have been a very scary and bad situation. This was definitely the less stressful way for him to be born. I didn't feel pressured in either way. I mean my doctor had confidence that the version would have worked since I had previous pregnancies. If anything her choice probably would have been to do the version. So after that experience I always knew that she had my back and wasn't going to try to talk me into anything that wasn't right for me.

I know she's got my back now. She's not going to put me or my baby in danger. I completely trust her. That's important. She has been my doctor for at least 5 years now probably 6. She has been through a lot with me. She is willing to do what I want to do without trying to scare me though. I feel very well informed by her and ready to go into my induction on Thursday. We will start things off by breaking my water and we really have no reason to believe that's not going to be enough. Should it not be enough though then we will try pitocin. My doctor was very clear that some say the pitocin produces unnatural contractions which could put undue stress on my scar. However, her feelings in it and I tend to agree is the pitocin is used to make the contractions strong enough in a case where your contractions aren't doing what they are supposed to. So really I would need them to be that strong to have the baby anyways so if the scar can't handle that stress it wouldn't have handled it if I went into labor on my own. So the benefits of being in a hospital and closely monitored with strong contractions seems much more beneficial than going into labor on my own and perhaps not getting to the hospital in time should something happen.

It really is all a matter of trust. If you don't trust your doctor, then that's a serious problem. I most definitely trust my doctor though. She delivered my son safely and she will deliver this baby safely.

One Week to Go

In just a week I will walk out of my house a mother of 3 and not come home for a few days until I'm the mother of 4. The actual reality of this is getting very scary. I mean sure I've been through this before. I should know what to expect, but really you never know what to expect. I'd really like to just skip over the whole labor part, do the birth part and have my baby in my arms. Unfortunately that won't happen. And of course there's anxiety. Fear of the known. You know how they say you forget the pain of childbirth? Well, that's not entirely true. Then there's the fear of the unknown. I don't know if I could end up with a c-section after all. And I flip flop on whether that would be better or not. I mean sure I won't be feeling the pain of the labor, but the recovery is miserable. I'd be in the hospital longer. I know so much could go wrong and I worry about that. In some ways it seems like this day has taken forever to get here and in others I can't believe where the time has gone. I will be happy to have the pregnancy over with because for the past several months I have been pretty miserable. It will be nice to have my body back. I'd say it will be nice to sleep, but I know that won't be happening. Maybe I should say it will be nice to sleep on my stomach again. Or it will be nice to not be in pain every time I move in my sleep. Well, you know when I do get to sleep that is. We are really down to the wire here. It still could be sooner. I am dilating and contracting after all, but I would like to make it to the 3rd. Better than scrambling for child care. Lets also hope there is no snow next Thursday. It's a tall order I know, but really I would feel so much better if all of the children actually went to school that day.

We Have a Possible Birthdate

I was talking to my doctor today about my pending birth. Because of my previous c-section, the size of this baby, my blood pressure, and possible gestation diabetes she does not want me going past my due date. So we talked about induction. I wasn't sure that was an option with the c-section. She explained the concerns about inducing. Basically the concern is with pitocin that it makes the contractions strong which could cause stress on the scar on my uterus which could then cause a rupture. However, we need the contractions to be strong anyways for my body to do what it's supposed to do so it really shouldn't be any added stress on my uterus.

So after discussing everything what it boils down to is a vbac has about a 1% chance of causing a rupture. They don't give me too much leeway before they'd go in and do a c-section though. So I would be monitored closely and if there is any drop in the baby's heart rate they would do a c-section. That's to prevent the worst case scenario of the rupture though. We have to wait until 39 weeks to schedule the induction because before that I'd have to have an amnio.

Now because I have been contracting so far right along and because in my previous pregnancy breaking my water has progressed things pretty quickly for me we are going to start out with that as the plan. So I will go in at 7 a.m. on February 3rd. Get my two bags of IV antibiotics that I need to have because of the Strep B infection that I am carrying. As long as I have two doses of antibiotic before my water breaks then the baby will not have to spend time in the nursery getting tested and monitored for Strep B and keeping her out of the nursery as much as possible is a huge goal of mine. So once I get that the doctor will break my water and then so long as everything progresses nicely we should have a baby a few hours later. And if not then she will add a little pitocin to make my contractions stronger. But either way baby should be born no later than February 3rd. So that's just 2 weeks away. And if you don't have a calendar handy that is a Thursday and all of my children have been born on a Thursday.

I am ready to have her at any point now. The car seat has been purchased and is installed in the car. We have a take home outfit for her. I got a baby wrap to carry her in and the diaper bag I wanted. So we're pretty much all set. Well, except for a name. We still have not decided on that. Hard to believe though there's only 2 weeks left of this, maybe less. I will definitely be happy when it's over and we have a healthy, happy, baby in our arms. I'm very hopeful that my vbac is a successful one too. I'm glad to have a plan, but am also prepared for the unexpected. After all I have been contracting stronger and more frequently lately so it really could be anytime now.

I want it, I want it, I want it...

So for months now I have been in search of the perfect baby wearing apparatus. This world is totally new to me. We've never been a baby wearing bunch. For whatever reason I decided though that this time I need to do it this way. I think it will help me to breastfeed better and longer which is a huge goal of mine. I think it will just be easier with keeping up with CJ. I think this will be the one baby equipment item that will get more use than anything else we've ever bought for any of our children. The more I look into this the more I see the benefits of doing this. I don't think Joe is fully in this with me just yet, but I think I can get him there. I found the wrap that I want. It's the Storchenwiege Wrap. Here it is:



It's made in Germany and it's good and sturdy. It would last a long time and I haven't found a single bad thing about it out there. People who have them love them. The thing that I'm not so crazy about and that Joe is definitely not crazy about is the price tag. So I'm trying to see if I can find one used in the right price range. However, I am thinking for the time being I'm going to give a Sleepy Wrap a try. I saw one today. From what I can tell this would be good for a newborn anyways. So to start off with I think we'll give the Sleepy Wrap a try and I will continue to try and find the Storchenwiege Wrap at the right price. Well, that and work on Joe to seeing that this really could be a good investment. I think he needs to see this whole baby wearing thing in action. I've been throwing a lot of curve balls at him with this baby. Really, doing everything completely different than we have in the past. I think we're just at a place where we just really need to simplify things. And having the perfect baby carrier, car seat, and diaper bag really should be all we need to have a happy healthy baby. No need to be messing with those baby chairs and swings. They take up too much room and you only use them for a few months. And if she doesn't like it then it's a complete waste. But what's not to make her happy about being close to mommy's heart all the time? I mean she'll feel like she's still in the womb. And lets face it after the issues we experienced with CJ and then losing a baby I think this is just what I need to do what's right for me and this baby. After what we've been through having her close to me while still being able to do everything else a busy mom needs to do just seems like the best of everything. So really hoping I can find and get me a Storchenwiege Wrap at some point in time.

36 Weeks

I am 36 weeks pregnant now. My sugar has been good for the most part. And at most of my appointments my doctor has been pleased with my blood pressure. However, today I had a growth scan and NST at the hospital scheduled. I was supposed to do it without any children, but the weather had other plans. So all three children in tow I headed off to the hospital for my appointment. We started out with the growth scan. Everything looked good. Two weeks ago she was 6 1/2 pounds and now she is 7 pounds 4 ounces. The doctor assured me though that this is fine. She is not a super large baby. This put her in the 70th %tile. Should I go full term then she would end up being around the same weight as Natalie and Kaitlyn were based on these measurements. So there really should be no problem with me having a vbac.

Next I had my NST. While there the nurse took my blood pressure too. And of course I forgot to take my medication this morning. Baby looks good though. I am still having contractions. They took my blood pressure numerous times and it kept going up though. So the nurse had me pee in a cup and then asked me if I have a history of bladder infections. Well, yes I have had them in my life. I've had them while pregnant. Not all of the time. I guess the urine was showing that I might be fighting off a bladder infection though. But I guess there was also some protein in my urine which could be because of my blood pressure and it could be because of this possible bladder infection. So the nurse called my doctor who wanted me to reschedule my next appointment (which was supposed to be Monday) for tomorrow. Go home, take my medicine, and rest today. I was also given a clean catch cup so I can do a urine sample in the morning for them so they can figure out if I do have a bladder infection.

So I came home after getting myself preregistered at the hospital. Took my medicine, had some water, and tried to relax. Took my blood pressure and it's still high. This isn't looking promising. I have been feeling these contractions more. Maybe I'm more uncomfortable than I realize and that's messing with my blood pressure. I've had that happen before. I rescheduled my doctor's appointment for tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully things look better. It would be nice to go another week to officially be considered full term. I'm sure she will do fine if she were born now though. I guess we'll have to see what tomorrows appointment brings. I'm relieved that all is okay with the baby and hoping that this doesn't effect my own health. Hopefully the kids will be back at school tomorrow and maybe I'll feel a little more relaxed. The bickering between them definitely doesn't help matters.

Name that Baby

So to top the list of things we are totally not ready for when this baby comes pretty much any day now is a name. I think in the beginning we were really expecting it to be a boy to even things out. Not that we have a boys name chosen either or anything. Okay, well then there was the worry of losing yet another one. When we found out it was a girl though we spent some time discussing names. I insisted boy or girl this ones middle name must start with an "M". I guess that has been what has given us so many restrictions. But you see Natalie and CJ both have middle names that start with a J and Kaitlyn's starts with an M. So I wanted this one to start with an M. That we actually have picked out though. This little girls middle name is going to be Margaret. That's my grandmother's name and my cousin's name and it would have been my name had my cousin not gotten it first :). And no offense Margaret, but I must admit that growing up I sure was relieved you got that name. Of course I was always to be called Peggy and never actually Margaret either. I think Monica suits me much better though.

But anyways, the middle name has really restricted us I think at this point. It's such a long middle name. So I feel like we need to give a short first name. Joe likes Alyssa. Alyssa Margaret. Okay, say it out loud. It's really not all that bad, but it does look a little long to me. I want Alex or Alexa which Joe seems to have some sort of mental block over because he keeps saying something else when people ask. And when we discussed these names a few months back he didn't totally shoot down Alex, but now he says Alex is a boy's name and I'm not naming my daughter Alex. Ugh, this coming from a guy who once told me if we named a daughter Stephanie we'd have to call her Stevie.

Now the girls aren't much help as they like all of the names. And well CJ is even less help. I asked him the other day what we should name his baby sister and he told me, "Forty!" Ummm, yeah I think he's got some weird love connection with the number forty because that's how old he and everyone else on the planet is. Oh well, I guess at least he didn't tell us to name her Awesome since that is what he will sometimes tell people his name is. But you know the sad thing is I actually entertained the idea of naming her Forty and in my head going Forty Margaret, lol. Don't worry, I wouldn't do that to my child. We have joked that we'll just call her Four or number four or quad or something similar to that, but we won't. The plan is really to wait and meet her and then pick her name. This poor kid is going to end up nameless like I was when I was born though. The nurse actually named me. That's how the story goes anyways. I was named Patricia for about ten minutes before my dad decided I did not look like a Patricia. A day or so later the nurse came in and said you have got to name this baby. My parents were like we know. She said I looked like her daughter when she was born and my parents asked what her name was. It was Monica and that's how I got my name. So an interesting story I did get out of how I got my name at least. And maybe this little girl will be just as lucky.

But I would love to hear some suggestions of what to name this baby. The middle name is not changing. So it must go well with Margaret and not be too long. And perhaps after she is born if we still haven't decided I will post a picture and ask again what name suits her best. Girl's names have always been tricky for us. Then again though if she's a boy we are no where with that since we can't agree on a good middle name that starts with an M. At least we have a start here.

Nesting

This whole pregnancy I have been really very exhausted and in lots of discomfort. So over the past 7-8 months a lot of stuff around here has really gone by the wayside. However, yesterday and today I have been fighting through my exhaustion and pain and discomfort and getting all that stuff done around here. I completely cleaned out our bedroom yesterday. There were a bunch of boxes in there of stuff I had no place to put when we moved. I need a cabinet for all of my nick knacks. I got Joe to put all of those boxes in storage and worked really hard on cleaning up the room. I have now spent today washing just about every blanket and towel in the house. I spent an hour this morning scrubbing the grout in my bathroom and getting that all spic and span. Then I attacked the kitchen. Cleaned the counters and the cabinets. Got the stove nice and shiny and grease free. Cleaned out the sink, microwave, and crumbs from the toaster oven. I started cleaning the living room when I discovered that the kids had totally trashed CJ's room. So I got a little frustrated since my goal all day has been to get things back in order and his room was so out of order. So I ended up fixing that issue. Then went back to the living room. I do still have work to do in there though. I put clean sheets on my bed. Did some clothing laundry. I am now very tired, very sore, and very achy, but the house is really looking good. We have a place to put the baby when she comes home. Granted no clothes to put her in, but she will have a place to sleep. Hopefully my sudden urge to have everything just so will continue tomorrow so I can tackle the few things in my living room and finish up that laundry I have. Now a shower and sleeping in my clean sheets is sounding really good to me.

It's 2011...

and I am ready for this little princess to come already.

Well, not really ready ready as I've bought nothing for her. That's okay though. Physically I am so ready to get this over with though. I had a non stress test again today. Baby is good and active. She is head down. Always a good thing for this mama to see. The doctor has a question mark next to my Gestational Diabetes diagnosis because I opted out of the 3 hour test, but my finger sticks have all been relatively good. So either I'm controlling it very well with diet or I just don't have it. But this big baby has her thinking I do. Or I just make big babies :). I was contracting slightly today. I didn't feel them. Surprise surprise. I was completely clueless with the girls until they broke my water. I was feeling some slight tightening though, but nothing too painful. Maybe my body is just getting ready. Maybe I was dehydrated a little. I have another NST on Monday and then my growth scan and NST at the hospital next Thursday. I'm hoping they don't see this baby as being too big. Still not sure what's in store for me. I have a date picked out of when I'd like to have her. Natalie was born on her due date, Kaitlyn was 4 days early, CJ was 8 days early, so to keep with the theme there 16 days before my due date would work nicely which I figure is January 24th. So that's 2 weeks from Monday. I think I can go another 2 weeks.

This Just In...

Queen Monica makes big babies!

When we last left off Queen Monica was sailing right along in this pregnancy. She is now 34 weeks pregnant and the little princess appears to be 6 1/2 pounds already. The doctor is already talking about a possible repeat c-section. Good thing Queen Monica gave birth vaginally with no problems to two almost 9 pound girls before. This should work in her favor.

The little princess is head down and taking practice breaths. Everything, but being in the 90th %tile for size is looking good. Queen Monica will go for a non stress test next week and a growth scan the following week at the hospital and we'll see where we are from there.

In the meantime Queen Monica is very tired out from this pregnancy and ready for it to be over. Her blood pressure remains good though. She has been experiencing terrible bouts of heartburn. Where she can't eat or drink anything without terrible pain. Perhaps if the wives tale is true that lots of heartburn means a full head of hair then all of this little princesses weight is coming from the enormous amounts of hair she will have on her head.

It looks like the Barnes Bunch could be welcoming a new bundle of joy any day now though.

Baby K'tan Baby Carrier

Since I found out I was pregnant one of my concerns has been do we get a baby stroller or not? Do we do a double stroller or not? You see CJ still likes to be carried a lot or pushed in the stroller. So while he's 3 and capable of walking if we go places where lots of walking is required we like to have the stroller. However, I don't want the back of the van taken up by two strollers. And most double strollers are pretty bulky. So I started thinking perhaps rather than investing in a large bulky baby stroller (double or not) that maybe a baby carrier of sorts would be better.

I was thinking maybe a sling this time. However, Joe didn't really like that idea. But in my search for something I came across this cross between a sling and a carrier. The carriers are tough because they are usually bulky and hard to get on and put baby in, but slings just seemed easier. But then there are the safety concerns with slings. Although, as with anything if you don't use it correctly you will have problems.



So I saw this Baby K'tan Baby Carrier and I liked it because it's good for babies up to 40 pounds. It also can carry the baby in 8 different positions which is great because then we can figure out which position the baby is most comfortable in. Most of the reviews I have read are positive. I'm concerned about the sizes it comes in though. I wonder if we'll need a different one for Joe and a different one for me to carry the baby in because it doesn't adjust to fit the person carrying the baby. Also, how do you know what's the right size to get when you're pregnant? I can't really try it on and get a good idea now if it's going to fit. I would love to hear some of my readers preferences in slings and baby carriers though. Even if it's not about the Baby K'tan Baby Carrier. What was your favorite? Why do you prefer it? Does your husband like it too? Have you had experience with the Baby K'tan? What are your thoughts, good or bad on it? If I'm going to spend $55 on it then I want to make sure we're going to use it. I've never been a baby wearer before, but with four kids and a very busy schedule wearing baby might just be the easiest way to go this time around.

The Fairytale Continues...

When we left off Queen Monica she was eagerly anticipating the arrival of her new little princess. The arrival is still very eagerly anticipated and things are moving along well. Queen Monica has received her flu shot. Her blood pressure was slightly more elevated than it has been recently, so something to watch of course. Luckily the princess is suffering no ill effects from any increasing blood pressure problems of the queen. The princess weighs just over a pound and is growing nicely. She's in the 75th percentile. So much like Princess Natalie and Princess Kaitlyn it appears that she will be on the larger side. So something the doctors like to see when there are blood pressure concerns. Queen Monica's blood pressure will be checked again in a week just to make sure that it's not starting to creep back up. And in the meantime this little princess has been kicking up a storm. So all continues to go well.

To be continued...

We're Home

Celeste Alia was born at 12:35 a.m. December 6th. She was very tiny and very bruised. They did an amnio on me before everything and the fluid was not clear it was more brown in color. The doctor thought it was blood and thought it was a possible placenta abruption, but I didn't have any pain so it didn't really add up.

Around 5:15 last night they had put something in my cervix to help me dilate. It didn't appear that I was having contractions on the monitor, but I was definitely feeling something by 9 at night. Mostly just some cramping. It got worse around 11 though and progressed quickly. It was one on top of the other, but again the monitor wasn't picking them up so I don't think they thought I was that bad. They offered me a sleeping pill with some pain meds in it around 11:30. I took that, but it did not help at all. It was getting worse. I didn't know how long it would take to take effect. I waited as long as I could before finally calling around midnight. They decided to have the doctor come in and check me. I was about 2 centimeters dilated. Now of course I didn't have to go the full 10 with this being a 20 weeker. But they indicated that I still had a ways to go. So they offered me some Dilotin (sp?) which I took. Right after she put that in my IV I felt like I had to use the bathroom. So Joe helped me to the bathroom and I sat down and started to go. I felt this burning sensation and thought this isn't right so I stopped myself. I told Joe and he ran to get the nurse, but she was too late. I had Celeste in the toilet. She was still in the placenta and everything. So they got her out and brought her across the hall to check her all out and the doctor came back to talk to us.

It appears to be a cord accident. There was no knot in the cord, but the cord was kind of pinched really tight right by where it attached to her. It also could be a chromosome defect. They took tons of samples and of course the amniotic fluid so we still could get more answers. The doctor doesn't believe that if there was a chromosome defect that it's hereditary just based on the fact that we have 3 normal healthy other children. She did say she passed a while ago which was probably why the amniotic fluid was the color it was.

I am doing okay. I have pictures of Celeste and I did hold her this morning. I woke up kind of in a fog thinking this whole thing was a dream, but then realized I had blood all over me and it was all true and I had this overwhelming urge to hold her. So we did that. We had her baptized by the chaplain at the hospital. He was very nice and told us that we now have our own angel watching over us. And that while we'll always remember her as a baby in heaven she's actually grown. And when we go to heaven she'll be there waiting for us and we'll know exactly who she is as soon as we see her. We are having her cremated and are hoping to do some sort of service. We haven't finished making all of the arrangements though. So needless to say it's been a whirlwind and probably when it's all said and done I will be a wreck.

But I did want to thank you all for your thoughts and prayers during this very difficult time. Everything went as smoothly as could be expected. The girls actually even surprised me. Kaitlyn mostly and wanted to see her. Kaitlyn, who didn't really like the idea of being a big sister again, really found her to be cute and she seems a tad upset that she didn't live. Natalie has been full of questions which luckily so far I think I have been able to answer for her.

Say a Prayer for...

Celeste Alia

That's what we named our baby girl who has gone to heaven. It means Heaven and to ascend or go up. After CJ's 12 month check up today we will drop him off at my friend's house and then head to the hospital for noon. I will give birth to Celeste and say goodbye to her all at the same time. I don't know when I will update again on things. I should be home tomorrow, but not too sure how I'll be feeling.

Feeling Numb

I only found out a few weeks ago that I was pregnant. And then 2 weeks ago that I was 18 weeks along and most likely having a girl. I was beginning to think of what life would be like in April with two babies under the age of two. We were discussing baby names. I was thinking of all the stuff we were going to need. Trying to figure out a way to tell everyone.

And today I went in for my 20 week ultrasound. The doctor first listened to the baby's heartbeat. She couldn't hear it. So she said well lets take a look. So we went to ultrasound. And that's when my world came crashing down on me. The moment I realized that these sorts of things really can happen to me. My doctor sighed. I knew that wasn't good. I asked her. She said there is no heartbeat. She showed me where it should be and asked me if I wanted a picture. I immediately said no. We had one from two weeks ago where the baby was actually alive. That was enough for me. I didn't need to remember this day with a picture.

We asked the doctor what now. She said I will need to go to the hospital and deliver the baby. I will actually have to be induced and push this probably not even 20 week baby out. I don't know how I'm going to manage this. I'm going to have to see all these full term women in the hospital giving birth to healthy alive babies. I'm going to have to hear babies cry. I'm going to have to hear these happy families rejoicing at a new baby and I'm going to have nothing! This isn't fair.

And until then I have to try to explain all of this to my girls. How do you tell a 9 and 6 year old that their baby sister doesn't have a heart beat? How do you tell them that mommy will go into the hospital tomorrow afternoon and come home Saturday with nothing, but an empty belly?

And then there's Joe. I have only seen him cry once until today. He's very upset about this. And you know what I thought when the doctor told me? Maybe this is for the best. We weren't prepared for a 4th child anyways. And now he's all upset and I start to think how awful I am to think that. And then of course I let him down. I should have tested sooner and gotten prenatal care sooner. What if this is all my fault? The doctor said we will try to find out after I deliver. It could be that there is a knot in the umbilical cord. I think I really need to know why though.

As of right now I go to the hospital tomorrow afternoon after CJ's 12 month check up. My friend will take CJ and pick the girls up from school and keep them overnight. Then Joe will go pick them up Saturday morning. My doctor says I should be able to leave on Saturday. We should be able to get the body to have a funeral. I think that will be helpful.

It's Official

I went to the doctor today and I am in fact pregnant. I heard the heartbeat and everything. I am in fact due on April 22nd. We haven't told the girls yet. We are going to tell them tomorrow night. Oh and so far it's looking like it will be another...

GIRL!!!

We go back in two weeks for a more thorough ultra sound so I should know for sure then. I figured it was going to be another girl though. Figures, Joe and I are out of girls names. Any suggestions???

Some Shocking News

I think I've been in denial about this. Last night I did something. You'll never believe it...










That's a positive pregnancy test! It was not planned. I was on the pill. I actually haven't had a period since July. The first month I thought it's just the pill. The second month I just didn't want to believe that it could be anything else. The 3rd month I started getting worried so figured I better test. I don't really know what we are going to do. I thought we were done after CJ. And to make things worse based on my period it looks like ANOTHER April baby. And not just any April baby. No, the due date appears to be April 22, 2009 which is Natalie's 10th birthday! I'm already in my 2nd trimester now. I have to call my doctor this week. I think I'm still in shock over this. I'm not too sure how Joe really feels. I think he's a little freaked out by it too. I can't believe I'm going to be the mom of 4! I can't believe that my youngest are only going to be about 18 months apart!