Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Barnes Family Christmas

Finally, the much anticipated Barnes Family Christmas morning pictures. I put them into a smilebox scrapbook. I hope you enjoy.

Click to play Barnes Christmas 2008

Remembering 2008

1) Did you have to go to the hospital at all in 08? Why?
Yes, in February for CJ when he was in the hospital for five days due to failure to thrive. Then again December 5 to give birth and say goodbye to Celeste.

2) Did you have any encounters with the police?

3) Did you go on vacation? Where?
Yes. We went to Philadelphia over the summer for a day and then stayed with a friend in MD that night.

4) Did you know anybody who passed away?
Yes, Celeste

5) Did you move or remodel?

6) What concerts/shows did you go to?
None and I think the only movie we even went to was Bedtime Stories on Christmas Day. No wait, we went to the drive in theater and saw Journey to the Center of the Earth and Batman.

7) When you think back on all of 2008, what stands out for you?
Hmmmm, it's been a rough year. I'm looking forward to a better 2009, but I guess the thing that stands out the most is the loss of my pregnancy and Celeste.

8) What was/are your most memorable moment(s)?
Celebrating CJ's 1st birthday. Unfortunately the thing I will probably remember most though about 2008 is December 6, 2008 when I gave birth and said goodbye all in the same moment to my daughter Celeste Alia.

9.) What's something you learned about yourself?
I can experience a great tragedy, but still pull it together for my children.

10.) Any new additions to your extended family?
My cousin's live in boyfriend Kevin. Hopefully 2009 brings a proposal for her too.

11.) What music will you remember 2008 by?
I'm not up to date on music these days.

12) Who has been your best drinking buddy?
I don't drink.

13) Made new friends?

14) Any regrets?
Way too many. I regret most not finding out I was pregnant earlier because I will always wonder if that could have saved my pregnancy.

15) What are your wishes for 2009?
I wish that things could improve in my relationship with my parents and that we all stay happy and healthy this year. No more death and no more hospital visits for any of us.

16) Anything you want to add?
Here's to a way better 2009 than 2008!

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Things I've Done; Things I Wish I've Done

I saw this over on my friend Renee's blog and thought it looked like fun. The things in bold are the things I have done and the things I have in italics are the things I would like to do:

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars

3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disney World
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables (not so much me, but Joe has done this)
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train (I did not have a cabin or anything though. It was the auto train when I went down to FL for college though and I was next to a very grouchy old lady)
21. Had a pillow fight

22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort

25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset

31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors

35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling

52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater

55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies

62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check (unfortunately this just happened with my rent check actually thanks to Joe's job not paying him his bereavement pay on time)
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial

71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone (my pinky toe)
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car

83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life (at least this is what I'm told, but I didn't realize it was that dire at the time. My dad cramped up in the pool once and I swam him back to the side so he could get out.)

90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby

95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day

Saturday, December 27, 2008


This time of year is a time when people are spending it with their family. Maybe members they haven't seen all year long. It's fun and exciting, but not all the time. Sometimes they are just annoying and frustrating.

As a child I always thought it was great to see family. I never had to plan those get togethers though. Planning is difficult. Lets take my parents for instance. Usually we see them on Christmas Eve and then go to my Aunt and Uncle's on Christmas day. This year that was changed up a bit and we went to my Aunt and Uncle's on Christmas Eve. My parents were there as well. So we saw them, but my father was very sarcastic and my mother very distant. I tried to have a conversation with her, but she barely said two words to me.

Now why all the tension with my own parents you may ask? Well, if you haven't read about the issues I've had, then perhaps you should do that now. Aside from those past things they are mad at me now because I did not want to spend Christmas day with them. Now, it's not that I didn't want to exactly, but given the year that we've had and the extremely emotional and stressful past two weeks I wanted Christmas to be just the five of us this year. My parents had a hard time accepting that. They wanted to come to our house Christmas day. Instead I offered them the day after Christmas, but my mom had to work. So then I offered the Saturday after Christmas. That seemed to work just fine. I just needed to call with the details. But time slipped away from me and I didn't get around to calling. Tuesday I had e-mailed my mother, but she claims she did not get the e-mail and they went and made other plans. Okay, fine whatever. Don't complain to me that you don't get to see your grandchildren though. Because really how long did they give me to get in touch with them about these plans? Not very long.

But that's not the real reason of this post. The real reason is actually Joe's family. Well, Joe's brother to be exact. An interesting family dynamic there. Let me give you a little history. Joe's brother is just a year and a half older than Joe. So they were close growing up. I met Joe when we both worked at Dunkin Donuts and his brother even worked there too. So before Joe and I even started dating the three of us from time to time would even do things together. I like Joe's brother. He likes to exaggerate stories a bit and every time you hear them they always get bigger and grander, but I have no problems with the man. He's a good guy. So good in fact that we made him Kaitlyn's godfather. He was Joe's best man at our wedding. The kids adore him.

Over the years though we have seen him less and less. Actually the less part usually coincided with the times he was dating his now wife. Now there's another very interesting situation there. His wife years ago before Joe and I even met cheated on Joe's brother with Joe. Caused a huge rift between brothers. Joe continued to date her. He was even planning on marrying her until he started to suspect some unfaithfulness on her part. As things began to get serious between the two of them she went back to Joe's brother behind his back and broke Joe's heart. Things had mended in the relationship between brothers, but Joe's brother was addicted to this woman. They have been on again off again for years. Every time they are on again Joe's brother sort of disappears from everyone's life. And then during an off again time this girl began dating and even became engaged to their nephew. She even had a child with him 4 1/2 years ago. As if things weren't complicated enough. All this time I've been scratching my head trying to figure out why this woman is so desperate to be a part of this family. But we can't control people.

So now a year and a half ago Joe's brother finally ended up marrying this woman. He has also joined the army reserves. Last January he was leaving to be stationed in North Carolina. We got together with some ummmm prodding on Joe's part so we could say our goodbyes. His wife and her kids have remained here though. They were supposed to go down there once the house sold, but the house is not selling. Despite the fact that in North Carolina the five of them were going to have a very nice five bedroom house provided by the army they have remained up here. Joe's brother has been home on leave now a few times. Most recently at the time of CJ's 1st birthday when the ENTIRE family was here. We did not find this out until after he left because he called no one to say he was home. We would have had him to the party. He was home for a surgery that his wife had though so he says he wouldn't had left her. If it were me I probably would have really loved a day of peace to actually sleep after surgery without any children, but hey that's just me. She does have family which easily could have come to help her for an hour or two.

So now it's Christmas day. Joe has called all of his siblings to wish them a merry Christmas. His oldest brother who lives in CA told Joe that according to their other brother the reason he doesn't associate with the family is because no one accepts his wife. What? Okay, putting aside the fact that she has been sleeping her way through the men in the family. Putting aside the fact that she has a child with their nephew. What more do they expect from us? Time and time again we have invited them up or to do something. Now if it's the sisters that maybe he has a problem with, then he really needs to get over that. Or she does. I can tell you after almost 9 years of marriage to Joe and over 10 years of living with him his sisters haven't exactly been the closest sister in laws ever. And I didn't break the heart of two of their brothers over and over again to then move on to their nephew either. So I don't know what they expect there. And I really don't know what more Joe and I can do to be accepting of them. And just coming from my point of view he is married to an ex of my husband. Generally speaking your husband's exes don't become your sister in law.

But again Joe is trying to salvage some sort of relationship with his brother. So he called him up Christmas day and apologized if he wasn't accepting enough of his wife. And wonder of wonders it turns out that his brother is in town again. So Joe told him we should get together Saturday. Nothing was set in stone. Joe called him last night and told him Saturday or Sunday whichever works for them. They can come here or we can go down there. He said he needed to talk to her and would call back and never called back. So now we wait to find out if we are worthy enough to spend time with him or not. He goes back on the 31st so we don't have much opportunity with him.

And now Joe has called him yet again to find out once and for all what the verdict is. He got no answer. No voice mail or anything. Just six rings before the phone picked up and gave a recorded message saying, "The wireless customer you are trying to reach is not available." And now Joe says he's done. If he calls him back, then fine, but he's not bothering anymore. I feel so helpless in this. I feel like I've done my part and encouraged this relationship inspite of the fact that I can't stand his brother's wife. I just feel so insecure around her and out of the loop. She always purposely pushes me out of conversations when she's around and have I mentioned flirts with my husband. And yet I still try to make something work here. I guess it's all just for the best. No use in torturing myself anyways though, right?

But here's what I think about the real reason why Joe's brother doesn't associate with us at least. I don't think it has anything to do with no one accepting his wife. Nope, I think it has more to do with him not trusting his wife. I don't think he trusts her to be around Joe. He wants to keep them as far away as possible. He has been pushing his nephew away too. Harder to do with him since he has a child with her. But he definitely doesn't want him to be around his wife.

I do not understand families sometimes. I hope that Joe and I and my kids can all learn from all of this stuff though. I hope and pray everyday that when my children are grown that I can be accepting of the lives that they choose and be supportive of them. Not try to manipulate them into doing whatever it is that I want like my parents do to me. I hope that I can be involved in every aspect of their lives and just be grateful to have them and have every minute I can spend with them. Instead of spending the time I do have with them fighting and being angry and bitter I hope it can be spent laughing and enjoying their company.

And I hope my children always find a way to spend time with each other. Especially my girls. I hope they never let a boyfriend or a husband come between them and prevent them from seeing each other for whatever reason. I hope they can always have a close relationship even though their father and I don't exactly have that close relationship with our siblings. I want them to learn from our mistakes if they can and just find a way to always be an important part of each others lives.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

So This is Christmas

Merry Christmas to all of blog land! I hope everyone is having a wonderful day. Ours for the most part has been relaxing. Joe and I were up until 2:30 wrapping and prepping. Then CJ woke up just as we were finishing and wouldn't go back to sleep. So we brought him to bed with us where he tossed and turned and fussed the rest of the night. The other two were up by 8 and ready to open presents. CJ didn't have too much interest in the gifts. Once everything was opened I made pancakes for breakfast. CJ wouldn't eat. So I gave him his Amoxicillin which he promptly threw up all over himself and his high chair. So I cleaned that up and put him down for a nap.

He slept for 4 hours and woke up in a much better mood. We tried something new this year. We went to a movie. I thought no one goes to the movies on Christmas. I thought wrong. We saw Bedtime Stories which was very cute by the way. CJ did very good for his first movie. We came home and CJ went back to sleep. It's now 8:00 and the kids are watching TV and CJ still sleeps.

Everyone was very happy with their gifts. In spite of the no sleep, a sick baby, and a fight with my parents this was actually a good Christmas. It was what I wanted it to be. Just the five of us together. We needed this day.

So I hope everyone else has had the day they wanted.

Another Bloggy Giveaway

I'm totally a sucker for these giveaways. I never win, but I'll keep trying and trying. Hey, it's an addiction I guess, but way cheaper than lottery tickets ;). So what's the blog giveaway you may ask? Well, Renee over at Life With My Special Ks is hosting a giveaway. She's giving away Hallmark ornaments. All I have to do is say what my favorite Christmas tradition is. Well, that's certainly an easy one for me. My favorite Christmas tradition is...

Baking cookies.

Well, not so much the baking part, but the giving of my homemade cookies. I love to hear peoples reactions. And I got some good ones this year. My new white chocolate raspberry cheesecake bars were a huge hit. My husband's response was, "These are awesome!" It doesn't get much better than that. He generally isn't that excited about many of my treats. I know shocking, but hey he has more of a salt tooth than a sweet tooth most of the time. They are all gone. I just might have to make more. I love finding out what everyone's favorites are.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Will Visions of Sugar Plums Dance in Their Heads?

This is the question of the day. Will Kaitlyn and CJ have visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads tomorrow night or will they be all bogged down with fluid? If you haven't guessed Kaitlyn and CJ both have ear infections. Kaitlyn's is worse than CJ's, but you wouldn't know it to look at them. First of all the only reason I took them to the doctor was because Kaitlyn complained her ear hurt. Other than a cough with her and some congestion she doesn't really seem sick. However, CJ has been cranky, not sleeping, not eating, and even running a fever. Of course CJ also had the MMR vaccine last week which can cause a fever in 7-12 days which brings us to now.

But last night when Kaitlyn said her ear hurt I knew I'd be at the doctor's office today. I sent her to school though because it was only a half day and she had no fever. She didn't want to miss her party. She made it the whole day too, but was very relieved to hear I had set up a doctor's appointment for her later in the afternoon.

When we saw the doctor she asked about Kaitlyn's symptoms and before looking said I'm sure it's an ear infection. She prescribed pain medication and drops for her ears. Then she checked Kaitlyn all out and sure enough her right ear was very red and inflamed. So she's now on Amoxicillin for the next ten days.

Then it was CJ's turn to be examined. The doctor asked about his symptoms. I told her he's not eating or drinking much. He's very stuffy and has a cough. He's not himself. Very cranky and doesn't want to be touched, but doesn't want to be put down. He's just miserable. So she tried to examine him which he was really having nothing of. I've never seen a child be so difficult to have his ears looked at. A lollipop didn't make him stop screaming and neither could I. The nurse had to come in and blow bubbles just so the doctor could look in his ears. And even then his sisters had to entertain him by popping those bubbles. His ears don't look as bad as Kaitlyn's, but he does have fluid on the ears. So she also put him on Amoxicillin for the next ten days.

Right now they are all asleep and I can only hope there are visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads. Hopefully they stay asleep tonight. Both of them were up last night. Kaitlyn I don't mind so much because she's pretty easy to get back to bed, but CJ is impossible when he's in a condition like this. I get to the point where I just don't know what to do for him and I feel so bad that I can't make him feel better. Thankfully it's not a virus though because usually once they are on antibiotics they are up and about and just fine the next day. I need happy children tomorrow.

Monday, December 22, 2008


You always hear everyone grieves differently. I don't think I ever realized just how true that was until I experienced the loss of my pregnancy and baby girl just two weeks ago. I didn't think I was grieving right because when I found out that Celeste had died I wasn't exactly overcome with grief so to speak. I think it was more of shock at first though. It did seem to hit me that night though and the next day when I was at the hospital was difficult. Although, I think I was more worried about what was supposed to come next and what it was going to be like to deliver my little girl, but not hear her cry.

Then the labor pains started and they hurt so bad. But not in the way that labor pains hurt when you are full term and preparing to give birth to a baby you will get to hear cry. It hurt in my heart. I just wanted it all over with and it just seemed like it was never going to end. But then suddenly it was over and I was actually overcome with huge relief. And everyone kept asking me how I was. And with a smile on my face I'd say I'm okay. And I really believed that I was okay too. I continued on with life as usual. I had to for my kids, right? We planned for her cremation and a memorial service and not a tear shed. Then we picked up her ashes and it seemed to hit me. Okay, finally I'm grieving. It hurt again so much. We had her memorial service and again I was feeling relieved. It was over. We had a beautiful service and said our goodbyes to our little girl and life has moved on.

But has it really? It's just been over two weeks since I gave birth to our Angel Celeste. Christmas is coming upon us very quickly and I've been busy preparing for the day. But something is missing. I'm making all these plans when just over two weeks ago these plans included announcing to my family the arrival of a little girl in April. Instead two weeks ago I was announcing to my family that I was pregnant and lost the baby. This isn't how it was supposed to be.

So today as I was driving CJ to his Cranial Tech appointment I began crying. We were going by the hospital where I had Celeste and I felt this rush of anxiety and began crying. I was composed again once I reached his appointment. Then on the way home though I noticed the sign for the cemetery where Joe's parents are buried and where we are going to put Celeste's ashes once the warmer weather gets here. And again the grief struck me and I was crying.

I want to stop feeling like this. I want to stop seeing pregnant women and wanting to cry. I want to stop hearing people rejoice about a pregnancy and feel so much anger and jealousy that they get to have their baby. I want to feel my baby kick inside of me. I want the pain to stop, but I don't know how to make it go away. I don't know if it will ever go away. Am I always going to drive by a hospital and cemetery and feel overcome with grief? What about seeing a pregnant woman? Is that always going to make me jealous? Or does that go away and become replaced with jealousy of a baby who was the same age as mine? I just wish I could figure out a way to get past this. Maybe I just need more time. How do you heal a broken heart?

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Wanna Help

My friend Renee over at Life With My Special Ks has felt a calling to help a Down Syndrome child from another country. She is adopting a little girl who otherwise would live out the rest of her life in a home without love or medical care that she needs. Renee felt a calling to do something to help. She's already got four super children, but her and her husband, who is over in Iraq right now for the army, felt the need to bring this child into their home. A completely selfless act. One which I wish I myself could do. She already has one child with Down Syndrome so she definitely knows what she's getting into.

So you might be wondering how you can help. Well, prayers that everything goes smoothly and they can bring home their little girl by this summer are one way. They also need help raising some funds to get Kellsey home. The adoption itself will cost over $20000. So you can donate funds to help Kellsey get adopted. And the best part is whatever funds she manages to raise will stay with Kellsey even if they are unable to adopt her for whatever reason. So if you are able and feel so compelled after reading all about Renee and her family and Kellsey to sponsor them, then you can do so here. You can follow their journey by clicking on the button below which is also located on my sidebar as well. Renee has set up this blog to keep everyone up to date on Kellsey and bringing her home.

Bringing Kellsey Home

Thursday, December 18, 2008

He Cannot Be My Son

Okay, aside from the fact that CJ looks just like me and his sisters I would swear he was switched at birth. First of all the boy can eat and eat and eat and not gain enough weight for the doctor to be extremely happy. He gets pediasure 3 times a day which in itself is over 700 calories a day for that little boy. Then on top of that he gets 3 meals a day plus snacks. And yet he's only in the 5th %tile for weight. What's up with that? I look at his 700+ calorie drink and put on weight. It's just not fair.

But then there's the fact that he does not like my homemade cookies!!! He throws them on the floor. Ummm, are you kidding me? These things are good if I do say so myself. I'll have to try him on something not chocolate. So far I've only given him cookies that have chocolate in them and he blows raspberries at me and then chucks them. Maybe he'll like my Snickerdoodles. Once I make those I'll have to try and see how he does with those. So far it's been no way to M&M cookies (but he does like M&M's) and chocolate swirl cookies. And me, well I can't stop eating them ;). The girls can't stop eating them.

So what do you all think? Is this kid nuts or what?

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Light A Candle

Please light a candle, where ever you may be, on Dec 14, 7PM, in memory of our children who are with Jesus.

The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting®, held annually the second Sunday in December, this year December 14, unites family and friends around the globe as they light candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died at any age from any cause. As candles are lit at 7 p.m. local time, creating a virtual wave of light, hundreds of thousands of persons commemorate and honor the memories of children in a way that transcends all ethnic, cultural, religious, and political boundaries.

Now believed to be the largest mass candle lighting on the globe, the Worldwide Candle Lighting, a gift from TCF to the bereavement community, creates a virtual 24-hour wave of light as it moves from time zone to time zone. Hundreds of formal candle lighting events are held and thousands of informal candle lightings are conducted in homes as families gather in quiet remembrance of children who have died, but will never be forgotten.

I am lighting a candle for Celeste tomorrow night. Will you join me in honoring our children who have passed on?

Friday, December 12, 2008

Remembering Celeste Alia

Tonight we had Celeste's memorial service. It was beautiful. The Reverend Audrey Murdock of St. John's Episcopal church performed the service. She gave a beautiful Homily about how difficult it is to loose someone so young. How our faith is tested when someone this young passes without even a chance for her life to begin. Her words were so touching. She blessed Celeste's ashes.

We had a nice turn out of friends and family. Thank you all for coming to remember our beautiful Angel.

We received a wind chime in the mail today which I had ordered earlier in the week. I did not anticipate receiving it until Christmas Eve. I was so excited that it came when it did. In with the wind chime was a poem that was so beautiful and fitting. We brought that with us to put by her ashes in the church. Here's what it said:

When I left this world without you
I know it made you blue.
Your tears fell so freely,
I watched; I know this is true.

While you were weeping,
Days after I passed away-
While all was silent within me,
I saw you kneel to pray.

From this wonderful place called heaven
Where all my pain is gone,
I send a gentle breeze to whisper,
"My loved ones, please go on"

The peace that I have found here
Goes far beyond compare
No rain, no clouds, no suffering-
Just LOVE from everywhere.

You need not be troubled
Just stay close to GOD in prayer
Someday we'll be reunited
My love, HIS love surrounds you always,

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Missing Celeste

We picked up Celeste's ashes from the funeral home yesterday. They put her in a beautiful little wood box with a butterfly on the top of it. All this time I've been hanging in there. Keeping busy with stuff. Maintained my normal weeks schedule and all. But last night I was suddenly overcome with so much anger, frustration, and grief.

It started with Natalie. She is having a hard time in school right now. Her teacher keeps having her rewrite a story she's working on and she feels like she's the only one in the whole class that he's having do rewrites. I tried to explain to her that he just wants her to do her best work and use lots of detail. She didn't seem to see what I was saying and thought that I was just picking on her story too.

Then I was helping Kaitlyn with her homework. She was not listening to me and getting frustrated which was making me frustrated. It was math and counting by fives. She'd get to a number and tell me she didn't know how to write it when she had just written the number two seconds before on another part of her homework.

Then the icing on the cake Joe stepped on my foot and somehow it was my fault because I didn't move my foot out of his way.

I lost it. I stormed off into my bedroom where I spent the rest of the evening crying. Joe eventually came in and apologized to me for his reaction to stepping on my foot. I still feel rotten though. We have a PTA event tonight that I wish I could just skip. I can't though because we don't have enough volunteers.

Tomorrow is Celeste's memorial service. That's going to be very difficult. It's hard seeing everyone out there happy and excited about Christmas. I just want to scream sometimes. I wish I could go back to how I felt after I had Celeste which was relief instead of feeling so blue like I do right now.

I miss my little angel so much!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Christmas Questions

Jessica from Farm Fresh invited her readers to join in on her All About Me and Christmas questions. So here are my answers. Feel free to do this on your own as well.

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?
Definitely Hot Chocolate

2.Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
Some he wraps in special paper. The Santa Bears usually remain unwrapped and anything too big or awkward to wrap.

3. Colored lights on house/tree or white?
Colored and a lot of them. Actually we have a prelit tree with white lights, but hubby adds more and more colored lights every year. He's so excited he found his favorite chaser lights to put on the tree this year.

4. Do you hang mistletoe?
No. We don't have one :(.

5.When do you put your decorations up?
Usually after Thanksgiving, but this year we haven't gotten around to it yet. And actually the only reason we're even doing it this year is for the kids.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)?
I don't know that I really have one. Maybe the ham.

7. Favorite holiday memory as a child?
The year we got a Nintendo for Christmas and I heard my parents up at 3 in the morning trying to play Mario Brothers. They couldn't do it and I went out to the living room to see if I could help them. They promptly sent me back to bed and then told me the next morning I was dreaming ;).

8.When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
I think I was 10 and my brother told me. Actually, he was 12 when my parents finally told him and he didn't believe them and had to look it up in the encyclopedia. He came running to me and told me and I was like oh okay whatever. I still believed in the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy though, hehehe.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
We never used to until we started having Christmas at my parents house. The kids open all their presents from them and I do too, but our gifts at home wait until Christmas morning.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree?
With lots of handmade ornaments from the kids and unbreakable ones to keep the kids safe.

11. Snow. Love it or dread it?
Dread it. We're supposed to get some more I think Friday. I used to love it as a child, but I got to play in it then not drive in it. Plus it's so cold and wet.

12. Can you ice skate?
No way!

13. Do you remember your favorite gift?
I think a porcelin doll I got one year. It was the Butterfly Queen. She's beautiful.

14. What is the most important thing about the holidays to you?
Being with family and seeing the kids face when they get what they always wanted.

15. What is your favorite holiday dessert?
Probably homemade chocolate chip cookies. Or maybe mounds and fudge.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
Our quiet Christmas morning just the 5 of us opening up all the gifts under the tree.

17. What tops your Christmas tree?
An Angel

18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving?
Giving. Especially when I find the perfect gift for someone.

19. What is your favorite Christmas song?
What Child is This. And then for fun ones the Barking Dogs doing Jingle Bells.

20. Candy Canes. Yum or Yuck?
They're okay.

21. What do you want for Christmas?
What I want the most I can't have and that's my little angel Celeste still growing in my belly :(.

22. Do you attend an annual Christmas party?
No, all the work ones cost money and we never have a sitter anyways.

23. Do you dress up for Christmas Eve or wear PJ's?
Usually dress up to go to church.

24. Do you own a Santa hat?
Yes I do, it has my name on it too.

25. Who do you normally spend Christmas with?
Usually we go to my Aunt and Uncles and spend it with them, my cousin and my parents. This year we're staying home.

So how do you spend Christmas?

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

A Blog Giveaway

There's a bloggy giveaway being done by Lu from Poppies Blog. She does a wonderful art rendition of any photo. And she's giving away free stuff. So go check it out here to enter. She does great work. I would love to win an artists rendition of my Angel Celeste. You can also look over what she has to offer by clicking on the button below.

Monday, December 8, 2008

To As Real as It Gets

So you know me in real life? Then please share with me who you are. My husband would like to meet with you to show you the pictures and death certificate. Since you seem to know exactly who I am then please give me a clue as to who you are and stop hiding! Most of my readers do know me in real life and you are the only one who is so sure that I'm lying, but yet I have no idea who you are. What a coward you are to come on my blog and claim that you know me in real life, but never say your name. I'm sure that no matter what proof I give you of what I have been through the past few days you won't believe me anyways. But I'd really like to know if I'm so pathological then why do you even bother to read my blog? I really feel sorry for you that you have nothing better to do with your time than to slam someone in this way. You make the choice to continue reading my blog and the comments on my blog. No one is forcing you to read what you believe to be lies. It's really rather pathetic!

Saturday, December 6, 2008

We're Home

Celeste Alia was born at 12:35 a.m. December 6th. She was very tiny and very bruised. They did an amnio on me before everything and the fluid was not clear it was more brown in color. The doctor thought it was blood and thought it was a possible placenta abruption, but I didn't have any pain so it didn't really add up.

Around 5:15 last night they had put something in my cervix to help me dilate. It didn't appear that I was having contractions on the monitor, but I was definitely feeling something by 9 at night. Mostly just some cramping. It got worse around 11 though and progressed quickly. It was one on top of the other, but again the monitor wasn't picking them up so I don't think they thought I was that bad. They offered me a sleeping pill with some pain meds in it around 11:30. I took that, but it did not help at all. It was getting worse. I didn't know how long it would take to take effect. I waited as long as I could before finally calling around midnight. They decided to have the doctor come in and check me. I was about 2 centimeters dilated. Now of course I didn't have to go the full 10 with this being a 20 weeker. But they indicated that I still had a ways to go. So they offered me some Dilotin (sp?) which I took. Right after she put that in my IV I felt like I had to use the bathroom. So Joe helped me to the bathroom and I sat down and started to go. I felt this burning sensation and thought this isn't right so I stopped myself. I told Joe and he ran to get the nurse, but she was too late. I had Celeste in the toilet. She was still in the placenta and everything. So they got her out and brought her across the hall to check her all out and the doctor came back to talk to us.

It appears to be a cord accident. There was no knot in the cord, but the cord was kind of pinched really tight right by where it attached to her. It also could be a chromosome defect. They took tons of samples and of course the amniotic fluid so we still could get more answers. The doctor doesn't believe that if there was a chromosome defect that it's hereditary just based on the fact that we have 3 normal healthy other children. She did say she passed a while ago which was probably why the amniotic fluid was the color it was.

I am doing okay. I have pictures of Celeste and I did hold her this morning. I woke up kind of in a fog thinking this whole thing was a dream, but then realized I had blood all over me and it was all true and I had this overwhelming urge to hold her. So we did that. We had her baptized by the chaplain at the hospital. He was very nice and told us that we now have our own angel watching over us. And that while we'll always remember her as a baby in heaven she's actually grown. And when we go to heaven she'll be there waiting for us and we'll know exactly who she is as soon as we see her. We are having her cremated and are hoping to do some sort of service. We haven't finished making all of the arrangements though. So needless to say it's been a whirlwind and probably when it's all said and done I will be a wreck.

But I did want to thank you all for your thoughts and prayers during this very difficult time. Everything went as smoothly as could be expected. The girls actually even surprised me. Kaitlyn mostly and wanted to see her. Kaitlyn, who didn't really like the idea of being a big sister again, really found her to be cute and she seems a tad upset that she didn't live. Natalie has been full of questions which luckily so far I think I have been able to answer for her.

To My Anonymous Commenter

To my Anonymous commenter who said this:

Anonymous said...

Isn't it a damn shame that a grown woman needs to make up something as horrific as this just to get attention. How you live with yourself is beyond me!

And then this:

Anonymous said...

A fake name for a fake baby...a baby that was a lie the whole time. Monica couldn't bear to not be the center of attention at all times so she had to create drama and get everyone feeling sorry for her. Too bad many of us see right through it! The only ones I feel sorry for are your poor kids.

Who the hell do you think you are? Coming onto my blog and hiding behind an anonymous name to leave a comment for someone who's grieving. You don't know me and you don't know about my loss. Would you like to see the pictures of my daughter? Or perhaps the discharge papers and death certificate of my angel in heaven. Gosh if you think that I would make up a fake baby then maybe all of my kids are fake and you shouldn't even feel sorry for them. Just pathetic that you would take a cheap shot like this on someone who's grieving!

Friday, December 5, 2008

Say a Prayer for...

Celeste Alia

That's what we named our baby girl who has gone to heaven. It means Heaven and to ascend or go up. After CJ's 12 month check up today we will drop him off at my friend's house and then head to the hospital for noon. I will give birth to Celeste and say goodbye to her all at the same time. I don't know when I will update again on things. I should be home tomorrow, but not too sure how I'll be feeling.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Feeling Numb

I only found out a few weeks ago that I was pregnant. And then 2 weeks ago that I was 18 weeks along and most likely having a girl. I was beginning to think of what life would be like in April with two babies under the age of two. We were discussing baby names. I was thinking of all the stuff we were going to need. Trying to figure out a way to tell everyone.

And today I went in for my 20 week ultrasound. The doctor first listened to the baby's heartbeat. She couldn't hear it. So she said well lets take a look. So we went to ultrasound. And that's when my world came crashing down on me. The moment I realized that these sorts of things really can happen to me. My doctor sighed. I knew that wasn't good. I asked her. She said there is no heartbeat. She showed me where it should be and asked me if I wanted a picture. I immediately said no. We had one from two weeks ago where the baby was actually alive. That was enough for me. I didn't need to remember this day with a picture.

We asked the doctor what now. She said I will need to go to the hospital and deliver the baby. I will actually have to be induced and push this probably not even 20 week baby out. I don't know how I'm going to manage this. I'm going to have to see all these full term women in the hospital giving birth to healthy alive babies. I'm going to have to hear babies cry. I'm going to have to hear these happy families rejoicing at a new baby and I'm going to have nothing! This isn't fair.

And until then I have to try to explain all of this to my girls. How do you tell a 9 and 6 year old that their baby sister doesn't have a heart beat? How do you tell them that mommy will go into the hospital tomorrow afternoon and come home Saturday with nothing, but an empty belly?

And then there's Joe. I have only seen him cry once until today. He's very upset about this. And you know what I thought when the doctor told me? Maybe this is for the best. We weren't prepared for a 4th child anyways. And now he's all upset and I start to think how awful I am to think that. And then of course I let him down. I should have tested sooner and gotten prenatal care sooner. What if this is all my fault? The doctor said we will try to find out after I deliver. It could be that there is a knot in the umbilical cord. I think I really need to know why though.

As of right now I go to the hospital tomorrow afternoon after CJ's 12 month check up. My friend will take CJ and pick the girls up from school and keep them overnight. Then Joe will go pick them up Saturday morning. My doctor says I should be able to leave on Saturday. We should be able to get the body to have a funeral. I think that will be helpful.