Feeling Numb

I only found out a few weeks ago that I was pregnant. And then 2 weeks ago that I was 18 weeks along and most likely having a girl. I was beginning to think of what life would be like in April with two babies under the age of two. We were discussing baby names. I was thinking of all the stuff we were going to need. Trying to figure out a way to tell everyone.

And today I went in for my 20 week ultrasound. The doctor first listened to the baby's heartbeat. She couldn't hear it. So she said well lets take a look. So we went to ultrasound. And that's when my world came crashing down on me. The moment I realized that these sorts of things really can happen to me. My doctor sighed. I knew that wasn't good. I asked her. She said there is no heartbeat. She showed me where it should be and asked me if I wanted a picture. I immediately said no. We had one from two weeks ago where the baby was actually alive. That was enough for me. I didn't need to remember this day with a picture.

We asked the doctor what now. She said I will need to go to the hospital and deliver the baby. I will actually have to be induced and push this probably not even 20 week baby out. I don't know how I'm going to manage this. I'm going to have to see all these full term women in the hospital giving birth to healthy alive babies. I'm going to have to hear babies cry. I'm going to have to hear these happy families rejoicing at a new baby and I'm going to have nothing! This isn't fair.

And until then I have to try to explain all of this to my girls. How do you tell a 9 and 6 year old that their baby sister doesn't have a heart beat? How do you tell them that mommy will go into the hospital tomorrow afternoon and come home Saturday with nothing, but an empty belly?

And then there's Joe. I have only seen him cry once until today. He's very upset about this. And you know what I thought when the doctor told me? Maybe this is for the best. We weren't prepared for a 4th child anyways. And now he's all upset and I start to think how awful I am to think that. And then of course I let him down. I should have tested sooner and gotten prenatal care sooner. What if this is all my fault? The doctor said we will try to find out after I deliver. It could be that there is a knot in the umbilical cord. I think I really need to know why though.

As of right now I go to the hospital tomorrow afternoon after CJ's 12 month check up. My friend will take CJ and pick the girls up from school and keep them overnight. Then Joe will go pick them up Saturday morning. My doctor says I should be able to leave on Saturday. We should be able to get the body to have a funeral. I think that will be helpful.