Thursday, December 11, 2008

Missing Celeste

We picked up Celeste's ashes from the funeral home yesterday. They put her in a beautiful little wood box with a butterfly on the top of it. All this time I've been hanging in there. Keeping busy with stuff. Maintained my normal weeks schedule and all. But last night I was suddenly overcome with so much anger, frustration, and grief.

It started with Natalie. She is having a hard time in school right now. Her teacher keeps having her rewrite a story she's working on and she feels like she's the only one in the whole class that he's having do rewrites. I tried to explain to her that he just wants her to do her best work and use lots of detail. She didn't seem to see what I was saying and thought that I was just picking on her story too.

Then I was helping Kaitlyn with her homework. She was not listening to me and getting frustrated which was making me frustrated. It was math and counting by fives. She'd get to a number and tell me she didn't know how to write it when she had just written the number two seconds before on another part of her homework.

Then the icing on the cake Joe stepped on my foot and somehow it was my fault because I didn't move my foot out of his way.

I lost it. I stormed off into my bedroom where I spent the rest of the evening crying. Joe eventually came in and apologized to me for his reaction to stepping on my foot. I still feel rotten though. We have a PTA event tonight that I wish I could just skip. I can't though because we don't have enough volunteers.

Tomorrow is Celeste's memorial service. That's going to be very difficult. It's hard seeing everyone out there happy and excited about Christmas. I just want to scream sometimes. I wish I could go back to how I felt after I had Celeste which was relief instead of feeling so blue like I do right now.

I miss my little angel so much!