Grief

You always hear everyone grieves differently. I don't think I ever realized just how true that was until I experienced the loss of my pregnancy and baby girl just two weeks ago. I didn't think I was grieving right because when I found out that Celeste had died I wasn't exactly overcome with grief so to speak. I think it was more of shock at first though. It did seem to hit me that night though and the next day when I was at the hospital was difficult. Although, I think I was more worried about what was supposed to come next and what it was going to be like to deliver my little girl, but not hear her cry.

Then the labor pains started and they hurt so bad. But not in the way that labor pains hurt when you are full term and preparing to give birth to a baby you will get to hear cry. It hurt in my heart. I just wanted it all over with and it just seemed like it was never going to end. But then suddenly it was over and I was actually overcome with huge relief. And everyone kept asking me how I was. And with a smile on my face I'd say I'm okay. And I really believed that I was okay too. I continued on with life as usual. I had to for my kids, right? We planned for her cremation and a memorial service and not a tear shed. Then we picked up her ashes and it seemed to hit me. Okay, finally I'm grieving. It hurt again so much. We had her memorial service and again I was feeling relieved. It was over. We had a beautiful service and said our goodbyes to our little girl and life has moved on.

But has it really? It's just been over two weeks since I gave birth to our Angel Celeste. Christmas is coming upon us very quickly and I've been busy preparing for the day. But something is missing. I'm making all these plans when just over two weeks ago these plans included announcing to my family the arrival of a little girl in April. Instead two weeks ago I was announcing to my family that I was pregnant and lost the baby. This isn't how it was supposed to be.

So today as I was driving CJ to his Cranial Tech appointment I began crying. We were going by the hospital where I had Celeste and I felt this rush of anxiety and began crying. I was composed again once I reached his appointment. Then on the way home though I noticed the sign for the cemetery where Joe's parents are buried and where we are going to put Celeste's ashes once the warmer weather gets here. And again the grief struck me and I was crying.

I want to stop feeling like this. I want to stop seeing pregnant women and wanting to cry. I want to stop hearing people rejoice about a pregnancy and feel so much anger and jealousy that they get to have their baby. I want to feel my baby kick inside of me. I want the pain to stop, but I don't know how to make it go away. I don't know if it will ever go away. Am I always going to drive by a hospital and cemetery and feel overcome with grief? What about seeing a pregnant woman? Is that always going to make me jealous? Or does that go away and become replaced with jealousy of a baby who was the same age as mine? I just wish I could figure out a way to get past this. Maybe I just need more time. How do you heal a broken heart?