Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Mixed Feelings

A very good friend of mine is pregnant. She is due April 26 which is 1 year and 4 days after I was due with Celeste. It hasn't bothered me much that she's pregnant. I've been okay with talking to her about things. I have been worried about her. I definitely don't want her to experience what I did a year ago. However, she is the first person since my loss who I have been very close to that's pregnant. Today she found out the sex of the baby. I found myself hoping for a boy for her even though I knew they both desperately wanted a girl. I just wasn't too sure how I'd handle an April baby girl that wasn't my own. Everyone else I've known who has had a baby so far has had a boy. She announced to me that it's a girl! So when my friend told me her exciting news I feel like I put on a fake smile and a fake congratulations. I'm sure I'll be fine once the baby is born. And like I said the last thing in the world I would want is for her to lose the baby. My gosh I think that would be even harder on me if she did lose the baby. I feel like a bad friend for giving her the fake smile and forced congrats. Totally my problem and something I need to deal with. I do hope I handle her arrival better though. You would think though a year has gone by I shouldn't be that effected by the birth of a baby. Then again, most pregnancies I'm not privy to every detail and good day and bad day. This is a friend who I see almost on a daily basis though and if I don't see her I talk to her. I hope she understands my reactions though and doesn't think I'm a bad friend.